A Modest Member of Parliament [Bert Kelly], “Heads roll — Mavis smells an election,” The Australian Financial Review, October 17, 1975, p. 3.

For about a year after each Federal election, Mavis takes a relaxed view of life and, with her hands folded on her lap, she watches the political world go by with a benign detachment.

If political heads are rolling she simply sighs and says how sad it all is, but after all, that is politics! If nothing much is happening she just dozes off.

But should there be even a hint of an election in the air Mavis is out on the street in a flash, scenting the strength of the political wind and moistening her finger to get its direction.

And as it’s well over a year since the last election she is getting all edgy again. “You must be ready to pounce, dear,” she says, “should an election come round the corner. Particularly with Mr Whitlam getting in such a mess. We must work out some policy to endear you to the populace.”

So we had one of our usual sessions. We first took up, fondled and then laid reluctantly down again, a splendid scheme for throwing money away on the arts.

Mavis is rather keen on this because she knows that few will question profligate expenditure in this area.

But I persuaded her against it because I know that Fred is getting sick of working himself silly to buy paintings and others works of art which he can’t understand.1

And, besides, I’ve heard rumours of discontent in the artistic world. Evidently some people who have missed out are beginning to question the present methods of trying to buy popularity by throwing around the taxpayers’ money in this way.

So we left this enticing subject on one side and instead drew up a fine policy on sport.

It started off with a lovely paragraph about a healthy mind in a healthy body, then there followed some stirring stuff about how sport taught young people to keep their tempers and how it fostered international goodwill and so on.

Having laid down this general groundwork of statesmanlike platitudes we looked around to see what great gaps there were in the sporting world which the Government had neglected, and the most promising one that we could identify was two-up.

I think Mavis was rather disappointed; I think she had been hoping to find some sport with more action and more public appeal. But I pointed out that Australia was famous for two-up and spending thousands of dollars to send a two-up team abroad would surely attract attention.

So our sports policy was formed around two-up.

Then we polished it up and took it around with some trepidation to Fred to seek his opinion which was immediate and bitter.

He pointed out angrily that he had been forced to limit his bowls to a few Saturdays a year because he was so busy making the money to pay his income tax and he resented having to work even harder to find even more money to send two-up teams around the world.

And he said it was ridiculous to talk about sport creating international goodwill when it seemed to do the exact opposite.

He instanced the shootings at the Olympic Games at Munich, the fights at international soccer matches, the strife about visiting South African Rugby teams and even the bowling of short-pitched bouncers in Test cricket.

At best, he said, international sport only fostered stupid, blind nationalism, and at worst, it led to bloodshed and international hatred.

“What about the loutish behaviour of some Australian spectators at the English Tests?” he asked. “Do you think that this creates goodwill?”

And he said it was nonsense to talk about sport teaching players to keep their tempers. “What about the football matches in Melbourne, with the players fighting furiously?” he asked.

But his chief complaint was that people who wanted to play sport should be prepared to work a lot, and suffer a bit, to do so.

He reminded me of how we used to rude for miles to attend working bees to hack our sports ground out of the scrub, but, because we wanted to play sport, we were prepared to sacrifice ourselves to that end.

Fred says he is sick of working hard to supply facilities for other people who aren’t prepared to do the same — who expect things to be supplied by a benign, fluffy-headed, soft-hearted Government.

Governments seem to want to get into every act these days, and an awful mess they make. Fred says that sport is something they should leave to the players.

Footnote for Economics.org.au readers:

  1. Three Bert Kelly columns on arts funding are: “Mavis wants me to get in for my chop,” The Australian Financial Review, September 28, 1973, p. 3; “Fred puts his sole into new ‘Blue Poles’,” The Australian Financial Review, December 21, 1973, p. 3; and “What if the whole country is swindled?,” The Australian Financial Review, October 10, 1975, p. 3.