Bert Kelly, “An answer to island woes,”
The Australian, January 12, 1987, p. 7.

As I flew across Tasmania on my last visit to Hobart, I looked down and thought how pretty the island looked and how contented its inhabitants must be. But when I landed I was overwhelmed by Tasmanian complaints about the treatment they receive from Melbourne, from Canberra and indeed from the rest of the world.

I can understand why they dislike Melbournians because they pinch the best South Australian footballers too, but Tasmanians seem to envy the people who live in Melbourne. I would hate to live in Melbourne, there are too many people like me there.

I can understand why Tasmanians dislike people who live in Canberra because the Canberra Government keeps interfering in Tasmania. Problems always seem easier to handle if viewed from afar, as people in the Northern Territory know. I can understand that Tasmanians are cross with Canberra about dams and forests and things like that but that does not explain why they are as sad and hopeless as they seem to be.

I could not help contrasting this sad attitude with Singapore. When I last visited Singapore I saw development everywhere. Singaporeans just haven’t got time to be sad. I went there first in 1951 and was sorry for them but it will not be long before their standard of living is higher than ours. I bet they would be really sorry for Tasmanians if they could hear them moaning.

When Eccles and I were comparing the unhappiness of Tasmanians with the enthusiasm of Singaporeans, I asked Eccles if he thought Tasmanians were sad because they thought they were not getting a fair go from Canberra. However Eccles, who always seems to have odd bits of information secreted about his person, gave me a table comparing the amount of money people in each State received from the Commonwealth between 1982-3 and 1986-7 in dollars per head: NSW 1305, Victoria 1299, Queensland 1468, Western Australia 1678, South Australia 1689, Tasmania 2009.

So it cannot be said that Tasmanians are sad because we are miserable with our money.

Then Eccles said that it would be easy to make Tasmanians as happy and as hopeful as the people in Singapore; all you would need to do would be to declare Tasmania a free trade island and then it would bound ahead. “Just think of the natural advantages Tasmania would have over Singapore,” he crowed. “Tasmania is an island while Singapore only has a causeway separating it from the world. Tasmania has plenty of water and plenty of spare room while there is hardly room to turn round in Singapore.”

Then he hurried on to tell me that Tasmania is so close to Melbourne and Sydney that their people would only have to cross Bass Strait to buy cheap goods instead of having to fly to Singapore as they do now. And they would not be cursed with a two-airline policy so air transport would be cheap. And shipping would be cheaper too because Tasmania would not be forced to use Australian-manned ships. They would not be cursed with our centralised wage fixing system so they could match their industrial relations procedures with their needs, not ours.

I warned Eccles that making Tasmania a free trade island might mean that it would have to secede from the Commonwealth and this might mean a civil war as they had in the USA. However, I doubt if this would happen. I cannot see Mr Hawke calling out the troops to force Tasmania to stay in the Commonwealth when it never returns a Labor Member to the House of Representatives.

And if Tasmania seceded, Tasmanians would not have to get their knickers in a knot when they got left off the map of Australia as happened at the Commonwealth Games.

Eccles was really away on his hobby-horse now. He said that because Tasmanians would be able to buy their raw materials, such as textile yarns, duty free, they would be able to undersell their Australian competitors as Singapore does although wages there will soon be as high as here. He says that it is nonsense to claim, as high protectionists do, that tariffs are necessary for industry to prosper. Japanese tariffs are far lower than ours yet they do not seem to be doing too badly.

When Eccles paused for breath, I told him not to be too hopeful. “You may be right about the benefits of free trade, Eccles,” I admitted, “but I think Tasmanians like being miserable. They have been reared in a condition of genteel poverty and I think they would rather be like that than to be like Singaporeans who have to depend on themselves. Tasmanians like having someone to lean on and they are only really happy when they are sad.” I told him to put his hobby horse back in its stable.

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Note for Economics.org.au readers
I titled Kelly’s essay as I did because 61 years before Kelly’s piece H.L. Mencken wrote, “The Libido for the Ugly,” which was similarly structured. Also, Kelly previously wrote about Tasmania and secession in his essay, “Tassie should cut the painter,” The Bulletin, March 8, 1983, p. 100.