Padraic P. McGuinness, “Check this, mate — nude chess,”
The Sydney Morning Herald, December 4, 1999, p. 44.

Probably the silliest fuss of the week has been all the publicity given to a women’s soccer team posing naked for a calendar — especially the protests of the wimminists. You can buy pictures of naked women in any newsagent; at least you know that the soccer players are healthy, active women who keep bedroom sports where they belong and are celebrating their team sport. And there are numerous beaches in Sydney where you can see women either topless or completely, as the French who are less hypocritical about these things, say à poil. Literally, to the hair.

We all know that the real reason for the popularity of ridiculous sports like beach ball or synchronised swimming is to look at pretty, scantily-clad girls; just as the cheer squads of pretty girls at the football are there as symbols of the sexual success which is promised to those who shine as players. The prizes are on display for all to see. There is no good reason why active sports should be not played in the nude — just as at the beach all but the perverts calm down after a few minutes, so it would be at sporting events. Though anybody who has soon one of those awful nudist films can see immediately why nude sport should be reserved for the young and healthy. And sports which need armour, like American football and now, God help us, cricket, should be banned or played at full risk to the players.

The Olympics will eventually be permanently located where they belong, at Olympia in Greece, and this will save the world the quadrennial orgy of bribery, political corruption, managerial incompetence, and media gush and hypocrisy which is inflicted on it. The Games, which should in any case be stripped back to track and field, gymnastics and trial sports (from running to wrestling) could also be stripped back to the buff as they were in ancient Greece.

In any case, why a women’s soccer team? Well, the simple answer is, why not? It is a perfectly harmless thing to do to discriminate between men and women (and at some points, unless you swing both ways, absolutely necessary) so, apart from the absurd Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission and its State counterparts, no-one is going to think there is anything untoward about an all-women team, any more than an all-men team. Of course it was alleged some time back that lesbians discriminated against straights in women’s cricket. Well, well. I have never heard of gays discriminating against straights in men’s football or cricket, or even vice versa, although it undoubtedly has happened.

The High Court has just ruled that HIV positive men can lawfully be excluded from the armed forces. This is on the perfectly sound basis that in combat situations there can be a lot of blood around which could lead to the infection of others. Justice Kirby, who dissented, seemed to think little of this consideration — he should ask any army surgeon who served in Vietnam, or indeed any solder at present serving in East Timor.

So there is occasionally reason for such discrimination. In other circumstances it is of course unacceptable, which is why gay nightclubs and pubs are acting offensively when they exclude straight men.

But why are there not more mixed soccer teams, wearing clothes or not? This should be so obvious as to need no comment, were it not for professional anti-discriminators who try sometimes to insist that for example girls should be allowed to play in boys’ sporting teams. There are good practical reasons for opposing this, whether it be a matter of available changing rooms or because of the unequal strength and aggressiveness of males and females. (Yes, I know there are some big, butch aggressive ladies, but we are not talking about persecuted minorities.) It is unfair on the boys, too, since many males, and would it were all males, are reluctant to exercise force against a woman, even in sport. Women do not always have the same scruples. In a boxing match few men would be able to bring themselves to hit a woman as hard as they would hit a man. Those who would ought to be disqualified from all sports.

Again, normal sensible people have no problems about sex segregation in sport.

It is not seen as discrimination on gender grounds, nor are there many women who would argue that they should be permitted to play for the Wallabies. Nor is it seen as evidence of any inferiority of women, but just as a manifestation of obvious physical differences.

However, I have often wondered about chess. Chess is of course not a sport, nor should it be treated as such. But why are there separate women’s chess tournaments? Is there any evidence that men are better chess players than women, such that women cannot hope to win in an open tournament? There are clearly some women in the top ranks of chess, like the Hungarian Polgar sisters, but is it a product of past discrimination that there are so few women chess players and none to compare with the geniuses such as Kasparov or Fischer? You need endurance to play competitive chess, but not brute strength. And why the Porta Geach prize for painting? What is so special about being a woman painter?

Anyway, good luck to the Matildas who are revelling in their new exposure. May there be many more such teams and calendars, of both sexes. If you get no pleasure in seeing a young healthy active body with or without clothes you are, as Ben Chifley put it, over the hill.