Other entries featuring Bert Kelly»

by a Modest Member of Parliament, The Australian Financial Review, January 11, 1974, p. 3.

I quickly learnt, soon after becoming an MP, that if my electors questioned the accuracy of any of my statements, to reply that my opinion was the result of “research in depth.”

This immediately gave the impression that I had been poring over masses of literature while locked in a garret.

“Research” by itself is eminently respectable, but “research in depth” is quite irresistible.

My audience were usually unaware that the facts that I had been propounding had often been gleaned from some half-digested information gathered by some ill-informed journalist like myself.

But if I claimed it to be the result of “research in depth” then it took real courage to contest it.

But my particular personal problem is Fred who knows me all too well, having farmed alongside me long before I became an MP.

He knows too much about me for my comfort.

The first time I tried this “research in depth” gambit on him he didn’t say anything but I could see his slow, cynical mind grinding away.

The second time he just snorted.

But the third time he was bold enough to get up in the back of the hall and say that he thought I was talking through my hat.

This saddened me but when I explained my problem to Mavis, she, as usual, had a ready solution.

“The next time he questions your opinions, dear,” she advised, “say that your facts are based on research using a computer. That’ll fix him. Even Fred will not question the decision of a computer.”

This seemed an eminently sensible and simple solution. Few of my constituents, and particularly myself, know how a computer works.

We know it murmurs away wisely in a dignified way if you feed it cards with the correct writing on them.

Every now and again it takes a big breath and squirts out of a lot of information into a metal basket standing attentively by.

We know if you feed it wrong information it is likely to get sulky and refuse to give its milk down. But we don’t really understand it so it frightens us.

The awe with which we hold computers is compounded by the veneration with which great intellectuals like Eccles regard the animal.

I have a sneaking suspicion that even Eccles doesn’t know how the thing works, although of course he wouldn’t admit this.

Eccles genuflects if he is in the presence of one and I always expect him to take his shoes off in its presence or back away when leaving.

So I thought Mavis’ advice to get a computer into the act to support my rather shaky arguments was sound. And it worked, too.

The next time when Fred expressed disbelief at my arithmetic, I trotted out the computer and that fixed him.

And it worked the second time, though I could see he wasn’t going to continue to take this lying down. I should have been more careful.

At my next meeting I was laying down the law about the price of wool.

I admit my arithmetic has always been weak but the position had been made infinitely worse by all these newfangled metric measurements.

But when I stated that 210c a kilogram was equivalent to 123,73265 pence a lb, I could see that Fred was not going to take this as gospel, so I quickly added that my statement was backed up by research in depth and the final result had been obtained from a computer.

There was a general murmur of approval and respect at this statement so I went eloquently on, but Fred got out his notebook and a stub of pencil and went laboriously to work.

I watched him out of the corner of my eye and my apprehension did nothing to help my eloquence.

When I sat down there was general, if restrained, applause and some questions which I answered with the fast footwork which a politician acquires.

But all the time Fred was doing his sums, muttering away at his tables and wearing a worried frown.

Just before the vote of thanks he got to his feet and said that 210c a kilogram was equivalent to 114.305184 pence a lb. and either the computer or I was telling lies, and if I was wrong on this occasion, I was probably wrong on others.

Then he said truculently that he hoped he wouldn’t ever again hear me mention research in depth and invoke a computer as an authority either.

But it was good while it lasted!

(in order of appearance on Economics.org.au)
  1. Bert Kelly on Journalism
  2. Move for a body of Modest Members
  3. Modest Members Association
  4. Bert Kelly's Maiden Parliamentary Speech
  5. Government Intervention
  6. 1976 Monday Conference transcript featuring Bert Kelly
  7. Petrol for Farmers
  8. Some Sacred Cows
  9. Experiences in Parliament
  10. Spending your Money
  11. Who needs literary licence?
  12. A touch of Fred's anarchy
  13. Supply and Demand
  14. Bert Kelly on Disaster Relief
  15. Bert Kelly Wants to Secede
  16. Under Labor, is working hard foolish?
  17. An Idiot's Guide to Interventionism
  18. Bert Kelly Destroys the Side Benefits Argument for Government
  19. Bert Kelly gets his head around big-headed bird-brained politics
  20. First Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  21. Second Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  22. Third Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  23. Fourth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  24. Fifth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  25. Sixth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  26. Bert Kelly on the 2011 Budget and Australia's Pathetic Journalists and Politicians
  27. Bert Kelly, Bastard or Simple Sod?
  28. Liberal Backbencher Hits Govt. Over Import Restrictions
  29. Bert Kelly feels a dam coming on at each election
  30. Bert Kelly Enters Parliament
  31. Why take in one another's washing?
  32. Bert Kelly breaks the law, disrespects government and enjoys it
  33. Gillard's galley-powered waterskiing
  34. Can price control really work?
  35. Should we put up with socialism?
  36. We're quick to get sick of socialism
  37. Time the protection racket ended
  38. Can't pull the wool over Farmer Fred
  39. People not Politics
  40. Bert Kelly admits he should have had less faith in politicians
  41. Labor: a girl who couldn't say no
  42. Why leading businessmen carry black briefcases
  43. Ludwig von Mises on page 3 of AFR
  44. Mavis wants the Modest Member to dedicate his book to her
  45. Time to Butcher "Aussie Beef"
  46. Bert Kelly reviews The War Diaries of Weary Dunlop
  47. Bert Kelly reviews We Were There
  48. Tariffs get the fork-tongue treatment
  49. Bert Kelly reduces government to its absurdities
  50. Politician sacrifices his ... honesty
  51. It's all a matter of principle
  52. Bert Kelly Destroys the Infant Industry Argument
  53. Bert Kelly Untangles Tariff Torment
  54. Bert Kelly resorts to prayer
  55. Eccles keeps our nose hard down on the tariff grindstone
  56. "Don't you believe in protecting us against imports from cheap labour countries?"
  57. Even if lucky, we needn't be stupid
  58. Great "freedom of choice" mystery
  59. Small government's growth problem
  60. Tariffs Introduced
  61. More About Tariffs
  62. Sacred cow kicker into print
  63. Modest Member must not give up
  64. Traditional Wheat Farming is Our Birthright and Heritage and Must be Protected!
  65. Bert Kelly brilliantly defends "theoretical academics"
  66. The Society of Modest Members
  67. John Hyde's illogical, soft, complicated, unfocussed and unsuccessful attempt to communicate why he defends markets
  68. Modesty ablaze
  69. Case for ministers staying home
  70. The unusual self-evident simplicity of the Modest Members Society
  71. Animal lib the new scourge of the bush
  72. The Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Krill
  73. Repeal economic laws, force people to buy new cars and enforce tariffs against overseas tennis players
  74. Thoughts on how to kill dinosaurs
  75. Let's try the chill winds
  76. Taking the Right's road
  77. Bert Kelly: "I did not try often or hard enough"
  78. Bert Kelly "lacked ... guts and wisdom"
  79. A look at life without tariffs
  80. The Gospel according to Bert
  81. Tiny note on Bert Kelly's column in The Bulletin in 1985
  82. Why costs can't be guaranteed
  83. Hitting out with a halo
  84. Paying farmers not to grow crops will save on subsidies, revenge tariffs, etc
  85. "The Modest Farmer joins us" | "How The Modest Farmer came to be"
  86. Bert Kelly Destroys the Freeloading Justifies Government Argument
  87. Government Intervention
    vs
    Government Interference
  88. Bigger Cake = Bigger Slices
  89. Bert Kelly on the Political Process
  90. Charabanc: Part 1
  91. Charabanc: Part 2
  92. Charabanc: Part 3
  93. Relationships with the Liberal Party
  94. Tariffs = High Prices + World War
  95. Bert Kelly's Family History
  96. Bert Kelly's Pre-Parliament Life
  97. Why Bert Kelly was not even more publicly outspoken
  98. WEATHER IS USUALLY UNUSUAL
  99. How to stand aside when it's time to be counted
  100. How the Modest Member went back to being a Modest Farmer
  101. My pearls of wisdom were dull beyond belief
  102. Bert Kelly on Political Football
  103. Ross Gittins Wins Bert Kelly Award
  104. Interesting 1964 Bert Kelly speech: he says he is not a free trader and that he supports protection!
  105. This is the wall the Right built
  106. Has Santa socked it to car makers?
  107. Is the Budget a cargo cult?
  108. Will we end up subsidising one another?
  109. Do we want our money to fly?
  110. Can a bear be sure of a feed?
  111. How to impress your MP -
    ambush him
  112. The time for being nice to our MPs has gone ...
  113. Don't feel sorry for him -
    hang on to his ear
  114. Trade wars can easily end up on a battlefield
  115. Tariffs Create Unemployment
  116. Bert Kelly recommends Ayn Rand
  117. Bert Kelly's Satirical Prophecy: Minister for Meteorology (tick) and High Protectionist Policies to Result in War Yet Again (?)
  118. Bert Kelly in 1972 on Foreign Ownership of Australian Farmland and Warren Truss, Barnaby Joyce and Bill Heffernan in 2012
  119. Parliament a place for pragmatists
  120. Of Sugar Wells and Think-Tanks
  121. Bert Kelly: "I must take some of the blame"
  122. A Modest Farmer looks at the Problems of Structural Change
  123. Government Fails Spectacularly
  124. Know your proper place if you want the quiet life
  125. Bert Kelly on political speech writers
  126. Perish the thawed!
  127. Modest Farmer sees his ideas take hold
  128. Max Newton: Maverick in Exile
  129. Why no-one nails the Big Green Lie
  130. A case for ministerial inertia
  131. Why politicians don't like the truth
  132. Ominous dark clouds are gathering
  133. Better to be popular than right
  134. Crying in the wilderness
  135. Ivory tower needs thumping
  136. Bert Kelly asks, "How can you believe in free enterprise and government intervention at the same time?"
  137. Rural Problems
  138. Unholy state of taxation
  139. Boring economics worth a smile
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