Bert Kelly, The Australian Financial Review, February 24, 1978, p. 3.
Fred and his friends asked me last week for inside information as to how they should handle their member of Parliament, to make him face up to the tariff issue and to the damage that tariffs are doing to farmers.
In other words, they want me to tell them how to twist politicians’ ears in the same way as we used to twist the ear of a rough horse so that it would stand quietly and not get away.
Let’s assume that your member has accepted an invitation from the branch of your political party to be the guest speaker on tariffs at the annual meeting.
It is no good going for his ear as soon as he gets inside the hall. After all, he may be a dedicated and knowledgeable low tariff man who knows far more about the subject than you do.
There are not many of these about, but this is all the more reason why you should cherish them.
Or he may be a high tariff man or simply one who cannot make up his mind.
Most of the members who represent country constituencies seem to be in the latter category.
When the annual meeting starts, make sure you do all you can to help the chairman get quickly through the formalities so that they do not exhaust the time and patience available for the main part of the meeting.
I remember that at one such meeting there were some in the audience that I knew wanted to have a piece of me for some reason.
I listened to the chairman flog the unwilling meeting along, trying to get the formal part over so that my critics could get at me.
But all I had to do was to question the propriety of some action and they argued over this bone for half an hour, so that by the time the annual meeting part was finished it was time to go home.
So make sure you help the chairman by quickly nominating people for positions. You yourself may even end up as secretary and, if so, it serves you right.
When the formal proceedings are finished, and the member is introduced, don’t go for his ear straight away. As I said before, he may be a low tariff advocate and such treatment would upset him.
But let’s assume that he is one of the undecided members who can’t make up his mind or perhaps he wants to have a bit both ways or is determined to keep in the good graces of the Prime Minister.
Even if he is one of these, still don’t rag his ear just yet — if you do, the audience will start to feel sorry for him.
So clap like blazes when he is introduced and “hear, hear” loudly if he says something nice which he is sure to do, he being a member of Parliament.
Wait your chance until question time comes round.
Then it is most important that you do not spoil things by asking long and confused questions.
Most of these are asked in order to impress the audience as to how much the questioner knows, not to acquire information.
If you ask a complicated question, a clever member will beat about that bush for half an hour or so.
He will know that there is nothing in the bush, but that won’t worry him; he will only be interested in the time ticking away.
Members of Parliament may be a bit simple, but they get lessons each question time from ministers on how to evade answering questions they find awkward.
So have your gang armed with a series of short, snappy questions such as: “Is it a fact tariffs are subsidies paid, in the end, by exporters?”
Or another question could be: “Is it a fact that the tariff burden weighs about $4,000 million, with about half of this paid by farmers?”
I always used to hate questions that began with “is it a fact?” They were usually asked by strong, silent, raw-boned people and were difficult to evade.
It is when the member starts answering simple questions that you will find if he is for you or against you. If the latter, then you must go for his ear immediately.
And he will leave you for dead unless you hang on. When he starts to shuffle sideways, appeal loudly to the chairman.
And train up some of your supporters to take points of order or to interject rudely if the speaker starts to dodge the issue.
Such behaviour will be frowned on by sections of the audience, but this is the only way you will make a smart politician face up to an issue he wants to avoid.
Get a good grip of his ear, twist it tight and hang on. Once the beggar’s feet start to go, you will never see which way he went.
And get the chairman to ask you to move the vote of thanks.
Then you can get in a few nasty and shrewd blows when the member isn’t looking and can’t reply.
This may not be a nice way to behave, but the tariff situation is too serious to worry about being nice.
- Bert Kelly on Journalism
- Move for a body of Modest Members
- Modest Members Association
- Bert Kelly's Maiden Parliamentary Speech
- Government Intervention
- 1976 Monday Conference transcript featuring Bert Kelly
- Petrol for Farmers
- Some Sacred Cows
- Experiences in Parliament
- Spending your Money
- Who needs literary licence?
- A touch of Fred's anarchy
- Supply and Demand
- Bert Kelly on Disaster Relief
- Bert Kelly Wants to Secede
- Under Labor, is working hard foolish?
- An Idiot's Guide to Interventionism
- Bert Kelly Destroys the Side Benefits Argument for Government
- Bert Kelly gets his head around big-headed bird-brained politics
- First Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Second Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Third Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Fourth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Fifth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Sixth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Bert Kelly on the 2011 Budget and Australia's Pathetic Journalists and Politicians
- Bert Kelly, Bastard or Simple Sod?
- Liberal Backbencher Hits Govt. Over Import Restrictions
- Bert Kelly feels a dam coming on at each election
- Bert Kelly Enters Parliament
- Why take in one another's washing?
- Bert Kelly breaks the law, disrespects government and enjoys it
- Gillard's galley-powered waterskiing
- Can price control really work?
- Should we put up with socialism?
- We're quick to get sick of socialism
- Time the protection racket ended
- Can't pull the wool over Farmer Fred
- People not Politics
- Bert Kelly admits he should have had less faith in politicians
- Labor: a girl who couldn't say no
- Why leading businessmen carry black briefcases
- Ludwig von Mises on page 3 of AFR
- Mavis wants the Modest Member to dedicate his book to her
- Time to Butcher "Aussie Beef"
- Bert Kelly reviews The War Diaries of Weary Dunlop
- Bert Kelly reviews We Were There
- Tariffs get the fork-tongue treatment
- Bert Kelly reduces government to its absurdities
- Politician sacrifices his ... honesty
- It's all a matter of principle
- Bert Kelly Destroys the Infant Industry Argument
- Bert Kelly Untangles Tariff Torment
- Bert Kelly resorts to prayer
- Eccles keeps our nose hard down on the tariff grindstone
- "Don't you believe in protecting us against imports from cheap labour countries?"
- Even if lucky, we needn't be stupid
- Great "freedom of choice" mystery
- Small government's growth problem
- Tariffs Introduced
- More About Tariffs
- Sacred cow kicker into print
- Modest Member must not give up
- Traditional Wheat Farming is Our Birthright and Heritage and Must be Protected!
- Bert Kelly brilliantly defends "theoretical academics"
- The Society of Modest Members
- John Hyde's illogical, soft, complicated, unfocussed and unsuccessful attempt to communicate why he defends markets
- Modesty ablaze
- Case for ministers staying home
- The unusual self-evident simplicity of the Modest Members Society
- Animal lib the new scourge of the bush
- The Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Krill
- Repeal economic laws, force people to buy new cars and enforce tariffs against overseas tennis players
- Thoughts on how to kill dinosaurs
- Let's try the chill winds
- Taking the Right's road
- Bert Kelly: "I did not try often or hard enough"
- Bert Kelly "lacked ... guts and wisdom"
- A look at life without tariffs
- The Gospel according to Bert
- Tiny note on Bert Kelly's column in The Bulletin in 1985
- Why costs can't be guaranteed
- Hitting out with a halo
- Paying farmers not to grow crops will save on subsidies, revenge tariffs, etc
- "The Modest Farmer joins us" | "How The Modest Farmer came to be"
- Bert Kelly Destroys the Freeloading Justifies Government Argument
- Government Intervention
vs
Government Interference - Bigger Cake = Bigger Slices
- Bert Kelly on the Political Process
- Charabanc: Part 1
- Charabanc: Part 2
- Charabanc: Part 3
- Relationships with the Liberal Party
- Tariffs = High Prices + World War
- Bert Kelly's Family History
- Bert Kelly's Pre-Parliament Life
- Why Bert Kelly was not even more publicly outspoken
- WEATHER IS USUALLY UNUSUAL
- How to stand aside when it's time to be counted
- How the Modest Member went back to being a Modest Farmer
- My pearls of wisdom were dull beyond belief
- Bert Kelly on Political Football
- Ross Gittins Wins Bert Kelly Award
- Interesting 1964 Bert Kelly speech: he says he is not a free trader and that he supports protection!
- This is the wall the Right built
- Has Santa socked it to car makers?
- Is the Budget a cargo cult?
- Will we end up subsidising one another?
- Do we want our money to fly?
- Can a bear be sure of a feed?
- How to impress your MP -
ambush him - The time for being nice to our MPs has gone ...
- Don't feel sorry for him -
hang on to his ear - Trade wars can easily end up on a battlefield
- Tariffs Create Unemployment
- Bert Kelly recommends Ayn Rand
- Bert Kelly's Satirical Prophecy: Minister for Meteorology (tick) and High Protectionist Policies to Result in War Yet Again (?)
- Bert Kelly in 1972 on Foreign Ownership of Australian Farmland and Warren Truss, Barnaby Joyce and Bill Heffernan in 2012
- Parliament a place for pragmatists
- Of Sugar Wells and Think-Tanks
- Bert Kelly: "I must take some of the blame"
- A Modest Farmer looks at the Problems of Structural Change
- Government Fails Spectacularly
- Know your proper place if you want the quiet life
- Bert Kelly on political speech writers
- Perish the thawed!
- Modest Farmer sees his ideas take hold
- Max Newton: Maverick in Exile
- Why no-one nails the Big Green Lie
- A case for ministerial inertia
- Why politicians don't like the truth
- Ominous dark clouds are gathering
- Better to be popular than right
- Crying in the wilderness
- Ivory tower needs thumping
- Bert Kelly asks, "How can you believe in free enterprise and government intervention at the same time?"
- Rural Problems
- Unholy state of taxation
- Boring economics worth a smile

Luke
February 22, 2012 @ 8:37 am
Oh my god (I don't like this phrase but it is most appealing for my current astonishment)
Why isn't this "How to be a memeber of the Press 101" for all upcomming reporters.
Where have the questions like this one gone.
"How much will the price of a cake increase" gone.
We have Iran, Russia, China Vs US, UK, Israel verging on starting another war yet all we have in the press is the leadership spill. Doesn't there have to be some leadership first before it can be spilt.
Where is the simple question to Julia – What is Australia doing to prevent Israel attacking Iran next month.