Bert Kelly, “It’s back to the tractor,” The Australian Financial Review, December 16, 1977, p. 3.
I haven’t been writing much about the election campaign because I have been so busy beating up and down the land, imploring people to vote for me.
Mavis, too, has been out on the political trail and her political nose was quick to discover that there was a far too commonly held view in the electorate that I was getting rather long in the tooth. She gave me some urgent advice.
“Pick up your poor, tired feet higher, dear, and try to hide those awful wrinkles. Your opponent is such a nice young man and if he has any wrinkles he hides them under that imposing moustache.”
Fred, too, heard the rumour that the electoral currents were running against me and mainly on account of my age, though he was quick to point out that I had plenty of other disadvantages which he would retail if provoked.
But his crude and coarse comment that a mules operation was the best cure for wrinkles, was, I thought, unnecessarily cruel.
When he heard the rumour that I was in some danger of defeat, Eccles gallantly offered to come down out of his ivory tower to help. This threw Mavis into a state of blind panic.
“You must stop him, dear,” she said hurriedly. “You are in enough trouble without having his mournful message to carry around just when you ought to be projecting yourself as a bright and cheerful person and not nearly as old as you look.”
So Eccles stopped away and I plodded wearily around my electorate and was received with even more of the usual indifference.
Again, only the dogs of each town were glad to see me, or more exactly were glad to see my car which bore powerful and pungent challenges from the dogs of previous towns.
But the voting population were noticeably cool in their reception compared with the last election, so I began to get really anxious and this made me look ever sadder and older. Before I knew it, support was landsliding away from me.
So I started to panic and rush around in small circles with Mavis urging me on to frantic endeavour.
“You must win this time, dear,” she pleaded, “this is your last chance to be a minister so that you can have a state funeral so that you can have something to look forward to when you retire. Please try harder.”
So off I went, rushing aimlessly from place to place while my opponent was becoming more and more confident, and even younger looking as he ambled nonchalantly around.
I tried to rally support by hurriedly arranging some public meetings, but hardly anyone turned up. And I have a nasty feeling that those who did attend were probably persuaded to vote for my opponent after hearing me.
I tried to retrieve the position on voting day by driving recklessly around to visit the polling places, carrying cans of cold drinks to refresh my faithful workers who had promised, as usual, to resolutely man each polling booth.
I foolishly approached polling places where my opponent’s workers were handing their wretched little how-to-vote cards out and asked one of them for a description of the two candidates.
He was only too happy to oblige and for about ten minutes he painted a glowing picture of my opponent.
Then I asked him rather diffidently about the other chap on the how-to-vote (meaning myself), so he took another ten minutes to describe me, my advanced age, my alcoholic tendencies, my domineering wife, and my horrible economic adviser.
I wish I hadn’t asked him because it made me look sadder than ever.
As we watched the figures come in on Saturday night, Mavis at first refused to admit defeat.
“There will be some better boxes along in a minute,” she said cheerfully. “Things can’t be as bad as that.”
But they were and now I might find myself washed up on the political beach, feeling rather like a stranded and rather ancient whale.
I hoped for a while that the nation would go into mourning at the sad news, but my demise passed almost unnoticed.
Fred, however, was heard to say sourly, “Well now the old sod will have to go farming and earn an honest living again.”
I wish Fred had a nicer nature.
_____
EDITOR’S NOTE: Next week’s column will be written by “a modest farmer.”
- Bert Kelly on Journalism
- Move for a body of Modest Members
- Modest Members Association
- Bert Kelly's Maiden Parliamentary Speech
- Government Intervention
- 1976 Monday Conference transcript featuring Bert Kelly
- Petrol for Farmers
- Some Sacred Cows
- Experiences in Parliament
- Spending your Money
- Who needs literary licence?
- A touch of Fred's anarchy
- Supply and Demand
- Bert Kelly on Disaster Relief
- Bert Kelly Wants to Secede
- Under Labor, is working hard foolish?
- An Idiot's Guide to Interventionism
- Bert Kelly Destroys the Side Benefits Argument for Government
- Bert Kelly gets his head around big-headed bird-brained politics
- First Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Second Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Third Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Fourth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Fifth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Sixth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Bert Kelly on the 2011 Budget and Australia's Pathetic Journalists and Politicians
- Bert Kelly, Bastard or Simple Sod?
- Liberal Backbencher Hits Govt. Over Import Restrictions
- Bert Kelly feels a dam coming on at each election
- Bert Kelly Enters Parliament
- Why take in one another's washing?
- Bert Kelly breaks the law, disrespects government and enjoys it
- Gillard's galley-powered waterskiing
- Can price control really work?
- Should we put up with socialism?
- We're quick to get sick of socialism
- Time the protection racket ended
- Can't pull the wool over Farmer Fred
- People not Politics
- Bert Kelly admits he should have had less faith in politicians
- Labor: a girl who couldn't say no
- Why leading businessmen carry black briefcases
- Ludwig von Mises on page 3 of AFR
- Mavis wants the Modest Member to dedicate his book to her
- Time to Butcher "Aussie Beef"
- Bert Kelly reviews The War Diaries of Weary Dunlop
- Bert Kelly reviews We Were There
- Tariffs get the fork-tongue treatment
- Bert Kelly reduces government to its absurdities
- Politician sacrifices his ... honesty
- It's all a matter of principle
- Bert Kelly Destroys the Infant Industry Argument
- Bert Kelly Untangles Tariff Torment
- Bert Kelly resorts to prayer
- Eccles keeps our nose hard down on the tariff grindstone
- "Don't you believe in protecting us against imports from cheap labour countries?"
- Even if lucky, we needn't be stupid
- Great "freedom of choice" mystery
- Small government's growth problem
- Tariffs Introduced
- More About Tariffs
- Sacred cow kicker into print
- Modest Member must not give up
- Traditional Wheat Farming is Our Birthright and Heritage and Must be Protected!
- Bert Kelly brilliantly defends "theoretical academics"
- The Society of Modest Members
- John Hyde's illogical, soft, complicated, unfocussed and unsuccessful attempt to communicate why he defends markets
- Modesty ablaze
- Case for ministers staying home
- The unusual self-evident simplicity of the Modest Members Society
- Animal lib the new scourge of the bush
- The Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Krill
- Repeal economic laws, force people to buy new cars and enforce tariffs against overseas tennis players
- Thoughts on how to kill dinosaurs
- Let's try the chill winds
- Taking the Right's road
- Bert Kelly: "I did not try often or hard enough"
- Bert Kelly "lacked ... guts and wisdom"
- A look at life without tariffs
- The Gospel according to Bert
- Tiny note on Bert Kelly's column in The Bulletin in 1985
- Why costs can't be guaranteed
- Hitting out with a halo
- Paying farmers not to grow crops will save on subsidies, revenge tariffs, etc
- "The Modest Farmer joins us" | "How The Modest Farmer came to be"
- Bert Kelly Destroys the Freeloading Justifies Government Argument
- Government Intervention
vs
Government Interference - Bigger Cake = Bigger Slices
- Bert Kelly on the Political Process
- Charabanc: Part 1
- Charabanc: Part 2
- Charabanc: Part 3
- Relationships with the Liberal Party
- Tariffs = High Prices + World War
- Bert Kelly's Family History
- Bert Kelly's Pre-Parliament Life
- Why Bert Kelly was not even more publicly outspoken
- WEATHER IS USUALLY UNUSUAL
- How to stand aside when it's time to be counted
- How the Modest Member went back to being a Modest Farmer
- My pearls of wisdom were dull beyond belief
- Bert Kelly on Political Football
- Ross Gittins Wins Bert Kelly Award
- Interesting 1964 Bert Kelly speech: he says he is not a free trader and that he supports protection!
- This is the wall the Right built
- Has Santa socked it to car makers?
- Is the Budget a cargo cult?
- Will we end up subsidising one another?
- Do we want our money to fly?
- Can a bear be sure of a feed?
- How to impress your MP -
ambush him - The time for being nice to our MPs has gone ...
- Don't feel sorry for him -
hang on to his ear - Trade wars can easily end up on a battlefield
- Tariffs Create Unemployment
- Bert Kelly recommends Ayn Rand
- Bert Kelly's Satirical Prophecy: Minister for Meteorology (tick) and High Protectionist Policies to Result in War Yet Again (?)
- Bert Kelly in 1972 on Foreign Ownership of Australian Farmland and Warren Truss, Barnaby Joyce and Bill Heffernan in 2012
- Parliament a place for pragmatists
- Of Sugar Wells and Think-Tanks
- Bert Kelly: "I must take some of the blame"
- A Modest Farmer looks at the Problems of Structural Change
- Government Fails Spectacularly
- Know your proper place if you want the quiet life
- Bert Kelly on political speech writers