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Bert Kelly, “The sporting camel in the tent of the taxpayer,” The Australian Financial Review, September 16, 1977, p. 3.

Mavis is feeling her political oats. She always gets on edge and starts to sniff the political wind as each Parliament approaches its second birthday.

From now on, as election day comes relentlessly closer, she will be out and around the electorate hoping to spot a popular cause which will bring in a few votes.

After one such expedition she returned proudly carrying a splendid book called A White Paper on the Financial Plight of Sport in Australia.

“Here is a fine flag to fly, dear,” she chortled. “The whole case has been predigested for you in this splendid document. You won’t have to do all that ‘research in depth’ which you’re always moaning about. So get on the sporting bandwagon while there’s still room and then you can really toot your trumpet.”

I read through the White Paper on sport and it is certainly a powerful document.

For instance, in this one simply splendid sentence it pleads for Federal Government to pay for sport: “Sport is a way of life for Australians; they must not be denied this way of life.”

It would be hard indeed not to be moved by such a poignant plea.

After I had read the White Paper and marked some of the purple paragraphs I took it to Fred to try it out.

It is unfortunate that he was in one of his nasty moods. His tractor had broken down and he had just received a bill for the spare parts.

But that was no excuse for him behaving as he did.

He didn’t actually hit me, but as I was quickly sitting inside my car with all the doors locked it wasn’t easy for him to get at me.

He then started shouting at me through the windscreen, but I calmed him down after he had prowled around the car for an hour or so and eventually he even sat in the car with me.

But he was still seething. He agreed that sport was indeed a way of life of Australians, but he didn’t see why the taxpayer should be asked to pay for it.

He thought that if Australians were fond of sport, they should be prepared to pay for their pleasures.

He reminded me how, if we wanted a cricket pitch or a tennis court in the bush, we would work for it or at it until we had it and certainly didn’t contemplate asked the taxpayers to dob in.

When Fred read what the White Paper said about the goodwill that sport is supposed to engender the steam started to come out of his nostrils again.

He reminded me of the wonderful rows that international sporting events caused. “What about the trail of destruction left behind when a British soccer team goes to Europe?” he asked angrily.

“Do you think that this is fostering international goodwill and understanding? And what about the rows over South Africa’s participation in sport? What is going to happen at the Commonwealth Games and what about the assassinations at the Olympic Games? And the fights in Perth when Victoria play WA at football?”

So what Fred will say now that the Government has agreed to contribute nearly $1.5 million to sport in the Budget I hate to think.

I know that all Governments are inclined to give their milk down if patted nicely because they think that’s how they become popular.

They do not seem to realise that it will be almost impossible to cut back this amount, but instead it will almost certainly grow.

These welfare State items are like the camel who begged the right to put its nose into its master’s tent to shelter from a sandstorm, but finished up lying down inside the tent with the owner outside in the storm.

If the Government thinks that giving money to sport will make it popular, it is kidding itself.

There will be more sporting bodies that don’t get money than those that do, or else they will all have to be satisfied with very small slices. In either case, we will lose more votes than we gain.

Going back to the refining influence of sport, I am reminded of how our sporting parson, in the middle of a football season, persuaded the local football team to attend a football service.

The team captain read the lesson which came from Mark, Chapter 4, in which is told the story of the Gadarene swine. Then the coach prayed, as coaches are wont to do.

Then the parson, determined to show that he understood our sporting ways, announced that he was taking his text from portion of the 13th verse of the 4th Chapter of Mark, which read in splendid stark simplicity, “Into the swine.”

(in order of appearance on Economics.org.au)
  1. Bert Kelly on Journalism
  2. Move for a body of Modest Members
  3. Modest Members Association
  4. Bert Kelly's Maiden Parliamentary Speech
  5. Government Intervention
  6. 1976 Monday Conference transcript featuring Bert Kelly
  7. Petrol for Farmers
  8. Some Sacred Cows
  9. Experiences in Parliament
  10. Spending your Money
  11. Who needs literary licence?
  12. A touch of Fred's anarchy
  13. Supply and Demand
  14. Bert Kelly on Disaster Relief
  15. Bert Kelly Wants to Secede
  16. Under Labor, is working hard foolish?
  17. An Idiot's Guide to Interventionism
  18. Bert Kelly Destroys the Side Benefits Argument for Government
  19. Bert Kelly gets his head around big-headed bird-brained politics
  20. First Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  21. Second Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  22. Third Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  23. Fourth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  24. Fifth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  25. Sixth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  26. Bert Kelly on the 2011 Budget and Australia's Pathetic Journalists and Politicians
  27. Bert Kelly, Bastard or Simple Sod?
  28. Liberal Backbencher Hits Govt. Over Import Restrictions
  29. Bert Kelly feels a dam coming on at each election
  30. Bert Kelly Enters Parliament
  31. Why take in one another's washing?
  32. Bert Kelly breaks the law, disrespects government and enjoys it
  33. Gillard's galley-powered waterskiing
  34. Can price control really work?
  35. Should we put up with socialism?
  36. We're quick to get sick of socialism
  37. Time the protection racket ended
  38. Can't pull the wool over Farmer Fred
  39. People not Politics
  40. Bert Kelly admits he should have had less faith in politicians
  41. Labor: a girl who couldn't say no
  42. Why leading businessmen carry black briefcases
  43. Ludwig von Mises on page 3 of AFR
  44. Mavis wants the Modest Member to dedicate his book to her
  45. Time to Butcher "Aussie Beef"
  46. Bert Kelly reviews The War Diaries of Weary Dunlop
  47. Bert Kelly reviews We Were There
  48. Tariffs get the fork-tongue treatment
  49. Bert Kelly reduces government to its absurdities
  50. Politician sacrifices his ... honesty
  51. It's all a matter of principle
  52. Bert Kelly Destroys the Infant Industry Argument
  53. Bert Kelly Untangles Tariff Torment
  54. Bert Kelly resorts to prayer
  55. Eccles keeps our nose hard down on the tariff grindstone
  56. "Don't you believe in protecting us against imports from cheap labour countries?"
  57. Even if lucky, we needn't be stupid
  58. Great "freedom of choice" mystery
  59. Small government's growth problem
  60. Tariffs Introduced
  61. More About Tariffs
  62. Sacred cow kicker into print
  63. Modest Member must not give up
  64. Traditional Wheat Farming is Our Birthright and Heritage and Must be Protected!
  65. Bert Kelly brilliantly defends "theoretical academics"
  66. The Society of Modest Members
  67. John Hyde's illogical, soft, complicated, unfocussed and unsuccessful attempt to communicate why he defends markets
  68. Modesty ablaze
  69. Case for ministers staying home
  70. The unusual self-evident simplicity of the Modest Members Society
  71. Animal lib the new scourge of the bush
  72. The Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Krill
  73. Repeal economic laws, force people to buy new cars and enforce tariffs against overseas tennis players
  74. Thoughts on how to kill dinosaurs
  75. Let's try the chill winds
  76. Taking the Right's road
  77. Bert Kelly: "I did not try often or hard enough"
  78. Bert Kelly "lacked ... guts and wisdom"
  79. A look at life without tariffs
  80. The Gospel according to Bert
  81. Tiny note on Bert Kelly's column in The Bulletin in 1985
  82. Why costs can't be guaranteed
  83. Hitting out with a halo
  84. Paying farmers not to grow crops will save on subsidies, revenge tariffs, etc
  85. "The Modest Farmer joins us" | "How The Modest Farmer came to be"
  86. Bert Kelly Destroys the Freeloading Justifies Government Argument
  87. Government Intervention
    vs
    Government Interference
  88. Bigger Cake = Bigger Slices
  89. Bert Kelly on the Political Process
  90. Charabanc: Part 1
  91. Charabanc: Part 2
  92. Charabanc: Part 3
  93. Relationships with the Liberal Party
  94. Tariffs = High Prices + World War
  95. Bert Kelly's Family History
  96. Bert Kelly's Pre-Parliament Life
  97. Why Bert Kelly was not even more publicly outspoken
  98. WEATHER IS USUALLY UNUSUAL
  99. How to stand aside when it's time to be counted
  100. How the Modest Member went back to being a Modest Farmer
  101. My pearls of wisdom were dull beyond belief
  102. Bert Kelly on Political Football
  103. Ross Gittins Wins Bert Kelly Award
  104. Interesting 1964 Bert Kelly speech: he says he is not a free trader and that he supports protection!
  105. This is the wall the Right built
  106. Has Santa socked it to car makers?
  107. Is the Budget a cargo cult?
  108. Will we end up subsidising one another?
  109. Do we want our money to fly?
  110. Can a bear be sure of a feed?
  111. How to impress your MP -
    ambush him
  112. The time for being nice to our MPs has gone ...
  113. Don't feel sorry for him -
    hang on to his ear
  114. Trade wars can easily end up on a battlefield
  115. Tariffs Create Unemployment
  116. Bert Kelly recommends Ayn Rand
  117. Bert Kelly's Satirical Prophecy: Minister for Meteorology (tick) and High Protectionist Policies to Result in War Yet Again (?)
  118. Bert Kelly in 1972 on Foreign Ownership of Australian Farmland and Warren Truss, Barnaby Joyce and Bill Heffernan in 2012
  119. Parliament a place for pragmatists
  120. Of Sugar Wells and Think-Tanks
  121. Bert Kelly: "I must take some of the blame"
  122. A Modest Farmer looks at the Problems of Structural Change
  123. Government Fails Spectacularly
  124. Know your proper place if you want the quiet life
  125. Bert Kelly on political speech writers
  126. Perish the thawed!
  127. Modest Farmer sees his ideas take hold
  128. Max Newton: Maverick in Exile
  129. Why no-one nails the Big Green Lie
  130. A case for ministerial inertia
  131. Why politicians don't like the truth
  132. Ominous dark clouds are gathering
  133. Better to be popular than right
  134. Crying in the wilderness
  135. Ivory tower needs thumping
  136. Bert Kelly asks, "How can you believe in free enterprise and government intervention at the same time?"
  137. Rural Problems
  138. Unholy state of taxation
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