Bert Kelly, September 3, 1981. Economics Made Easy (Adelaide: Brolga Books, 1982), pp. 206-08, as “Charabanc (c)”.
Last week we left the Australian Car Industry charabanc coasting along, with all its occupants arguing furiously with one another. We didn’t seem to be getting anywhere either, I think we were mostly travelling in circles.
There was a nasty incident when the G.M.H. driver in the front seat became angry because he seemed to think that he might not be allowed to reach his “world car” destination. He called back angrily to Sir Phillip Lynch, saying that if he did not get what he wanted, he would get out and go home. I presume that this was meant more as a threat than a promise but it was received with glad acclaim by almost everyone, particularly by the four other drivers in the front seat. The G.M.H. man, a bulky bloke, took up so much room, the others hoped he would indeed go home and so leave them more room for their elbows.
We met a lot of people as we went along. Some were glad to see us, others threw stones. Then Fred the farmer flagged us down. He was having trouble with his bike. When he found out who we were he turned quite nasty. He said he had three weighty reasons for hating the car industry. First, he had more need of a car than city slickers because he lived twenty miles from the nearest town and so had to travel further and over rough roads too, so his car wore out quicker than a city person’s car. Secondly, because he had been listening to Eccles, he knew that the burden for protecting all industries, cars, sheets, the whole lot, was carried by exporters in the end. And as he is an exporter, he resents having to carry his share of the $6000 million annual cost of the Australian tariff. But what made him even madder was the knowledge that any barrier to imports, such as a tariff against cars, pushed our exchange rate even higher, so making the position of exporting farmers more difficult. I can see now why Fred hates the car industry as he does.
I would have thought that this recital of Fred’s woes would have filled everyone with remorse but only the car users seemed to care. The Victorian and S.A. ministers turned nasty and said that Fred had no right to an opinion of his own and there weren’t many of him anyway, and would he please get out of the way before he was run over.
One of the older car users, the one with the water bag, muttered that, if that was the treatment being dished out to farmers by young Liberal minister, then he was going to his Country Party M.P. back home. But a younger car user from Canberra explained to the nice old chap that the Country Party no longer cared much about farmers and that was why they wanted to change their name to the National Party.
Anyway, we left poor Fred patching his bike and on we went. The next man to stop us was Chris Hurford, the Labor Party spokesman on these matters. He mopped his patrician brow, then volunteered to get in the back seat and help Sir Phillip drive. He also asked us to employ a friend of his, Con Sensus I think was his name. Evidently he is some kind of consultant.
There was some discussion about whether we should let Mr Hurford get in but they finally decided against it. Too many had been in the industry when the Labor Party were driving it and they didn’t want to go through that mangle again. A car owner, who was beginning to take a jaundiced of the outing said sourly, “Surely everyone now knows that the government couldn’t even run a beer-up in a brewery.” This attitude saddened the Victorian and S.A. ministers who had once been Liberals. This didn’t seem to worry Sir Phillip much. I think he may have been asleep at the time.
So we left Mr Hurford behind and continued on our way. We came to some desert country and out of the bushes came a gaunt figure clothed in sackcloth and ashes. He stood in front of us intoning, “Make straight the way of the Lord! Follow the steep and narrow path of economic righteousness” as he pointed to a steep and fairly rough path up the hill. (He was evidently one of the I.A.C. commissioners). As the charabanc was only built to go down hill, this advice was not very welcome, though the car users said that it was the only sensible statement they had heard all day. They were all for giving the gentleman a lift in the hope he could talk sense to others.
After a lot of muttering, the others agreed to this. When the got the poor man aboard, they began to torture him by sticking pins in him and hitting him with their coshes. The car users were furious but no one worried what they thought. The others kept torturing the poor commissioner because he had the nerve to tell them what they did not want to hear. I thought Sir Phillip would be cross about this but he didn’t seem to care, he just sat there scratching himself. People say he is very wise and brave so I guess he is about to do something soon.
Just as a I thought this, Mavis threw her bucket of water over me. She should have done it before.
- Bert Kelly on Journalism
- Move for a body of Modest Members
- Modest Members Association
- Bert Kelly's Maiden Parliamentary Speech
- Government Intervention
- 1976 Monday Conference transcript featuring Bert Kelly
- Petrol for Farmers
- Some Sacred Cows
- Experiences in Parliament
- Spending your Money
- Who needs literary licence?
- A touch of Fred's anarchy
- Supply and Demand
- Bert Kelly on Disaster Relief
- Bert Kelly Wants to Secede
- Under Labor, is working hard foolish?
- An Idiot's Guide to Interventionism
- Bert Kelly Destroys the Side Benefits Argument for Government
- Bert Kelly gets his head around big-headed bird-brained politics
- First Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Second Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Third Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Fourth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Fifth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Sixth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Bert Kelly on the 2011 Budget and Australia's Pathetic Journalists and Politicians
- Bert Kelly, Bastard or Simple Sod?
- Liberal Backbencher Hits Govt. Over Import Restrictions
- Bert Kelly feels a dam coming on at each election
- Bert Kelly Enters Parliament
- Why take in one another's washing?
- Bert Kelly breaks the law, disrespects government and enjoys it
- Gillard's galley-powered waterskiing
- Can price control really work?
- Should we put up with socialism?
- We're quick to get sick of socialism
- Time the protection racket ended
- Can't pull the wool over Farmer Fred
- People not Politics
- Bert Kelly admits he should have had less faith in politicians
- Labor: a girl who couldn't say no
- Why leading businessmen carry black briefcases
- Ludwig von Mises on page 3 of AFR
- Mavis wants the Modest Member to dedicate his book to her
- Time to Butcher "Aussie Beef"
- Bert Kelly reviews The War Diaries of Weary Dunlop
- Bert Kelly reviews We Were There
- Tariffs get the fork-tongue treatment
- Bert Kelly reduces government to its absurdities
- Politician sacrifices his ... honesty
- It's all a matter of principle
- Bert Kelly Destroys the Infant Industry Argument
- Bert Kelly Untangles Tariff Torment
- Bert Kelly resorts to prayer
- Eccles keeps our nose hard down on the tariff grindstone
- "Don't you believe in protecting us against imports from cheap labour countries?"
- Even if lucky, we needn't be stupid
- Great "freedom of choice" mystery
- Small government's growth problem
- Tariffs Introduced
- More About Tariffs
- Sacred cow kicker into print
- Modest Member must not give up
- Traditional Wheat Farming is Our Birthright and Heritage and Must be Protected!
- Bert Kelly brilliantly defends "theoretical academics"
- The Society of Modest Members
- John Hyde's illogical, soft, complicated, unfocussed and unsuccessful attempt to communicate why he defends markets
- Modesty ablaze
- Case for ministers staying home
- The unusual self-evident simplicity of the Modest Members Society
- Animal lib the new scourge of the bush
- The Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Krill
- Repeal economic laws, force people to buy new cars and enforce tariffs against overseas tennis players
- Thoughts on how to kill dinosaurs
- Let's try the chill winds
- Taking the Right's road
- Bert Kelly: "I did not try often or hard enough"
- Bert Kelly "lacked ... guts and wisdom"
- A look at life without tariffs
- The Gospel according to Bert
- Tiny note on Bert Kelly's column in The Bulletin in 1985
- Why costs can't be guaranteed
- Hitting out with a halo
- Paying farmers not to grow crops will save on subsidies, revenge tariffs, etc
- "The Modest Farmer joins us" | "How The Modest Farmer came to be"
- Bert Kelly Destroys the Freeloading Justifies Government Argument
- Government Intervention
vs
Government Interference - Bigger Cake = Bigger Slices
- Bert Kelly on the Political Process
- Charabanc: Part 1
- Charabanc: Part 2
- Charabanc: Part 3
- Relationships with the Liberal Party
- Tariffs = High Prices + World War
- Bert Kelly's Family History
- Bert Kelly's Pre-Parliament Life
- Why Bert Kelly was not even more publicly outspoken
- WEATHER IS USUALLY UNUSUAL
- How to stand aside when it's time to be counted
- How the Modest Member went back to being a Modest Farmer
- My pearls of wisdom were dull beyond belief
- Bert Kelly on Political Football
- Ross Gittins Wins Bert Kelly Award
- Interesting 1964 Bert Kelly speech: he says he is not a free trader and that he supports protection!
- This is the wall the Right built
- Has Santa socked it to car makers?
- Is the Budget a cargo cult?
- Will we end up subsidising one another?
- Do we want our money to fly?
- Can a bear be sure of a feed?
- How to impress your MP -
ambush him - The time for being nice to our MPs has gone ...
- Don't feel sorry for him -
hang on to his ear - Trade wars can easily end up on a battlefield
- Tariffs Create Unemployment
- Bert Kelly recommends Ayn Rand
- Bert Kelly's Satirical Prophecy: Minister for Meteorology (tick) and High Protectionist Policies to Result in War Yet Again (?)
- Bert Kelly in 1972 on Foreign Ownership of Australian Farmland and Warren Truss, Barnaby Joyce and Bill Heffernan in 2012
- Parliament a place for pragmatists
- Of Sugar Wells and Think-Tanks
- Bert Kelly: "I must take some of the blame"
- A Modest Farmer looks at the Problems of Structural Change
- Government Fails Spectacularly
- Know your proper place if you want the quiet life
- Bert Kelly on political speech writers
- Perish the thawed!
- Modest Farmer sees his ideas take hold
- Max Newton: Maverick in Exile
- Why no-one nails the Big Green Lie
- A case for ministerial inertia
- Why politicians don't like the truth
- Ominous dark clouds are gathering
- Better to be popular than right
- Crying in the wilderness
- Ivory tower needs thumping
- Bert Kelly asks, "How can you believe in free enterprise and government intervention at the same time?"
- Rural Problems
- Unholy state of taxation
- Boring economics worth a smile
