Bert Kelly, August 19, 1981. Economics Made Easy (Adelaide: Brolga Books, 1982), pp. 200-03, as “Charabanc (a)”.

As I get older, I keep having visions in the night but Mavis calls them nightmares. She attributes them to advancing senility and she now puts a bucket of water alongside her when she goes to bed to tip over me if my dreams get away from me.

My latest vision concerns a charabanc. That dates me because only people of my advanced years have even seen one. For the benefit of the younger set, it is a kind of elongated touring car, with each compartment separate from the others, with separate doors on each side. It is the kind of vehicle in which football clubs of my generation used to make end of season trips to the beach, with everyone exchanging jokes with each other and with people we passed, particularly pretty girls. They were much more fun than modern buses.

This particular charabanc was wider in the middle than at either end and it had six compartments which made it so long that it seemed in danger of breaking its back. It had the sign “The Australian Car Industry” boldly printed on each side.

When I saw it first, Sir Phillip Lynch, the Minister for Industry and Commerce, who seemed to be in control of the outing, was fussing around allocating seats for everyone. The front seat was given to the five car manufacturers. They each had a steering wheel of their own, but no accelerator or brake. They were very cramped as there was really only room for two of them, so they had to keep their elbows well tucked in like the official guests at a country show luncheon. They frequently stood ostentatiously to attention to salute the free enterprise flag that stood proudly over them. Across the instrument panel in front of them was a notice in very small print which said, “The government got us into this mess, the government will have to get us out of it.” They all spoke with foreign accents, Japanese or American. We couldn’t hear what they said when they muttered between themselves, but all their public statements were couched in very respectful language, particularly if talking about the government which they really loved, at least, just at the moment. Every now and again they would burst into a well-rehearsed anthem which began “Round and about and underneath us are the government’s everlasting arms. The government will guide us to the promised land.” It was moving stuff. It would have been even better if the government had not made such a mess of the other industry outings.

The next compartment was a big one and contained the car assemblers, the component manufacturers and the importers of cars and car components. There was a lot of argument in this group even before we got started.

Sitting behind these were the union officials. These did not say much, they just sat there with their coshes handy, ready to clobber anyone who showed signs of enjoying themselves by making a profit or something. They knew that they had only to huff at State or Federal governments and these would give their milk down. They had a particular hate for the car users.

The car users sat just behind them and a poor motley looking mob they were. It was clear that they had been bled white for years. A big chap with a top hat and a gold watchchain with a Royal Automobile Club badge on it tried to get into their compartment to represent them, but they said they would prefer someone with more fire in his belly. Then a leaner bloke came past, saying that he represented the Car Owners Association. They welcomed him aboard.

The next bench was occupied by State ministers. These had with them bound volumes of some of their better speeches and were ready, without encouragement, to give us a rendition. The Victorian and South Australian ministers talked louder than the others, but they didn’t mention free enterprise much, though they both claim to be Liberals. They explained to me afterwards that they kept their belief in free enterprise fresh and shiny, ready for elections.

The back compartment was reserved for Sir Phillip Lynch. He had a bigger steering wheel that over-rode the ones of the five manufacturers in the front. He also had a handbrake to himself and an accelerator, but this didn’t seem to work.

After he had everyone seated in their proper places and had tried to make them shut up, Sir Phillip made a perfectly splendid speech about his dedication to the cause of free enterprise, followed almost by a page about the wickedness of protectionism. I found out later that he had lifted this from one of Mr Fraser’s overseas speeches. He told us that from now on everyone was on his own and he wasn’t going to interfere any more. Then he ostentatiously took his hands away from the steering wheel, took the handbrake off, and away we went. What happened then must wait till next week.

(in order of appearance on Economics.org.au)
  1. Bert Kelly on Journalism
  2. Move for a body of Modest Members
  3. Modest Members Association
  4. Bert Kelly's Maiden Parliamentary Speech
  5. Government Intervention
  6. 1976 Monday Conference transcript featuring Bert Kelly
  7. Petrol for Farmers
  8. Some Sacred Cows
  9. Experiences in Parliament
  10. Spending your Money
  11. Who needs literary licence?
  12. A touch of Fred's anarchy
  13. Supply and Demand
  14. Bert Kelly on Disaster Relief
  15. Bert Kelly Wants to Secede
  16. Under Labor, is working hard foolish?
  17. An Idiot's Guide to Interventionism
  18. Bert Kelly Destroys the Side Benefits Argument for Government
  19. Bert Kelly gets his head around big-headed bird-brained politics
  20. First Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  21. Second Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  22. Third Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  23. Fourth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  24. Fifth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  25. Sixth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  26. Bert Kelly on the 2011 Budget and Australia's Pathetic Journalists and Politicians
  27. Bert Kelly, Bastard or Simple Sod?
  28. Liberal Backbencher Hits Govt. Over Import Restrictions
  29. Bert Kelly feels a dam coming on at each election
  30. Bert Kelly Enters Parliament
  31. Why take in one another's washing?
  32. Bert Kelly breaks the law, disrespects government and enjoys it
  33. Gillard's galley-powered waterskiing
  34. Can price control really work?
  35. Should we put up with socialism?
  36. We're quick to get sick of socialism
  37. Time the protection racket ended
  38. Can't pull the wool over Farmer Fred
  39. People not Politics
  40. Bert Kelly admits he should have had less faith in politicians
  41. Labor: a girl who couldn't say no
  42. Why leading businessmen carry black briefcases
  43. Ludwig von Mises on page 3 of AFR
  44. Mavis wants the Modest Member to dedicate his book to her
  45. Time to Butcher "Aussie Beef"
  46. Bert Kelly reviews The War Diaries of Weary Dunlop
  47. Bert Kelly reviews We Were There
  48. Tariffs get the fork-tongue treatment
  49. Bert Kelly reduces government to its absurdities
  50. Politician sacrifices his ... honesty
  51. It's all a matter of principle
  52. Bert Kelly Destroys the Infant Industry Argument
  53. Bert Kelly Untangles Tariff Torment
  54. Bert Kelly resorts to prayer
  55. Eccles keeps our nose hard down on the tariff grindstone
  56. "Don't you believe in protecting us against imports from cheap labour countries?"
  57. Even if lucky, we needn't be stupid
  58. Great "freedom of choice" mystery
  59. Small government's growth problem
  60. Tariffs Introduced
  61. More About Tariffs
  62. Sacred cow kicker into print
  63. Modest Member must not give up
  64. Traditional Wheat Farming is Our Birthright and Heritage and Must be Protected!
  65. Bert Kelly brilliantly defends "theoretical academics"
  66. The Society of Modest Members
  67. John Hyde's illogical, soft, complicated, unfocussed and unsuccessful attempt to communicate why he defends markets
  68. Modesty ablaze
  69. Case for ministers staying home
  70. The unusual self-evident simplicity of the Modest Members Society
  71. Animal lib the new scourge of the bush
  72. The Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Krill
  73. Repeal economic laws, force people to buy new cars and enforce tariffs against overseas tennis players
  74. Thoughts on how to kill dinosaurs
  75. Let's try the chill winds
  76. Taking the Right's road
  77. Bert Kelly: "I did not try often or hard enough"
  78. Bert Kelly "lacked ... guts and wisdom"
  79. A look at life without tariffs
  80. The Gospel according to Bert
  81. Tiny note on Bert Kelly's column in The Bulletin in 1985
  82. Why costs can't be guaranteed
  83. Hitting out with a halo
  84. Paying farmers not to grow crops will save on subsidies, revenge tariffs, etc
  85. "The Modest Farmer joins us" | "How The Modest Farmer came to be"
  86. Bert Kelly Destroys the Freeloading Justifies Government Argument
  87. Government Intervention
    vs
    Government Interference
  88. Bigger Cake = Bigger Slices
  89. Bert Kelly on the Political Process
  90. Charabanc: Part 1
  91. Charabanc: Part 2
  92. Charabanc: Part 3
  93. Relationships with the Liberal Party
  94. Tariffs = High Prices + World War
  95. Bert Kelly's Family History
  96. Bert Kelly's Pre-Parliament Life
  97. Why Bert Kelly was not even more publicly outspoken
  98. WEATHER IS USUALLY UNUSUAL
  99. How to stand aside when it's time to be counted
  100. How the Modest Member went back to being a Modest Farmer
  101. My pearls of wisdom were dull beyond belief
  102. Bert Kelly on Political Football
  103. Ross Gittins Wins Bert Kelly Award
  104. Interesting 1964 Bert Kelly speech: he says he is not a free trader and that he supports protection!
  105. This is the wall the Right built
  106. Has Santa socked it to car makers?
  107. Is the Budget a cargo cult?
  108. Will we end up subsidising one another?
  109. Do we want our money to fly?
  110. Can a bear be sure of a feed?
  111. How to impress your MP -
    ambush him
  112. The time for being nice to our MPs has gone ...
  113. Don't feel sorry for him -
    hang on to his ear
  114. Trade wars can easily end up on a battlefield
  115. Tariffs Create Unemployment
  116. Bert Kelly recommends Ayn Rand
  117. Bert Kelly's Satirical Prophecy: Minister for Meteorology (tick) and High Protectionist Policies to Result in War Yet Again (?)
  118. Bert Kelly in 1972 on Foreign Ownership of Australian Farmland and Warren Truss, Barnaby Joyce and Bill Heffernan in 2012
  119. Parliament a place for pragmatists
  120. Of Sugar Wells and Think-Tanks
  121. Bert Kelly: "I must take some of the blame"
  122. A Modest Farmer looks at the Problems of Structural Change
  123. Government Fails Spectacularly
  124. Know your proper place if you want the quiet life
  125. Bert Kelly on political speech writers
  126. Perish the thawed!
  127. Modest Farmer sees his ideas take hold
  128. Max Newton: Maverick in Exile
  129. Why no-one nails the Big Green Lie
  130. A case for ministerial inertia
  131. Why politicians don't like the truth
  132. Ominous dark clouds are gathering
  133. Better to be popular than right
  134. Crying in the wilderness
  135. Ivory tower needs thumping
  136. Bert Kelly asks, "How can you believe in free enterprise and government intervention at the same time?"
  137. Rural Problems
  138. Unholy state of taxation
  139. Boring economics worth a smile
  140. The Libido for the Miserable
  141. Agricultural Development and Tariffs
  142. Fred's too poor to have principles
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