Bert Kelly, “Dreams up in smoke,” The Bulletin, September 11, 1984, p. 146.
I think Fred must be going through some queer change of life or something. I told how he went to Queensland recently to buy a sugar farm and how he returned with his tail between his legs, without a farm and disillusioned about the myth that Sir Joh’s government is the last bastion against socialism. Fred’s latest craze is to buy a tobacco farm. He has found out that the average tobacco farmer gets an annual subsidy from the government of about $25,000 and he wants to get his trotters into that trough.
How he blundered across this information, I do not know. It is true that I wrote about tobacco in my book Economics Made Easy, but I didn’t think that Fred would ever bother to read it; at least, that is the impression he has always given me.
I thought I would throw cold water on the idea by telling him that a lot of the tobacco was grown in Queensland and he is sad about Queensland at the moment. But he knew that there was a lot of tobacco grown near Myrtleford, in Victoria. This is where we went.
We took Eccles with us this time. Fred agreed to this because he knew that there were a lot of hidden lurks in tobacco that are hard to dig out. Usually I dislike travelling with Fred and Eccles together; they niggle at each other a lot and this makes life rather a strain. And if they are not doing this, they are combining to keep me in my place. “You are having too much to say, Bert,” one of them says. “You seem to think you are back in parliament. You keep quiet and you might learn something.”
So the three of us headed for Myrtleford: Eccles with his briefcase full of reports, Fred full of the hope of getting his sticky fingers on this $25,000 subsidy money and I with my head full of foreboding. It is a lovely area, one that you would think could grow almost anything. Still, if the government were paying you $4,000 a hectare to grow tobacco, I suppose there would be little temptation to grow something else.
When we got there, Fred went into a land agent’s office to see about buying a tobacco farm, but he soon came out against with a long face to tell us that, as with sugar, you have to have a quota before you can start. They do not insist your being of superior morality, as they do in Queensland; in Victoria all they want is your money.
It seems that the market price for a tobacco quota is about $4 for the right to supply a kilogram of leaf and, as the average production a farm is about 14,000kg, this makes the average quota worth $56,000. This is before you buy the land.
Fred felt even worse when Eccles told him that one of the reasons why the US refused to remove its damaging duties against our wool — about which we complain so often and so rightly — is because of the barriers we place against the importation of their tobacco. I know that Eccles is right about this because I have heard an official of the US embassy say so on a TV program.
I know that some people think that Eccles and I are hard men, devoid of the milk of human kindness. Eccles indeed is like this, but I have a nicer side to my nature, deeply hidden though it may be. To demonstrate this, I am launching a campaign to persuade the government to pay each tobacco farmer $2000 a hectare not to grow tobacco.
According to Eccles’ figuring, this would make the Treasurer happy because now he has to pay out in various devious ways about $4000 for each hectare of tobacco and, as there are about 6600 hectares of tobacco, it must be costing him more than $13 million a year. I know it is hard to make treasurers happy and that is why they nearly all have long faces, but surely saving half of this $13 million would make them smile.
Certainly my idea would make the growers happy. Just fancy being paid $2000 for not growing a hectare of tobacco. You could sit in the shade and scratch yourself or use the land to grow something else. So the tobacco growers would love the government — and governments love being loved.
The woolgrowers would love the government, too, if this action induced the US to remove its duties against our wool. We are always moaning about the wicked way other countries, particularly those in the EEC, place barriers in the way of our exports and we wonder why no one takes much notice of us. Here is a chance to demonstrate our sincerity.
If my scheme were adopted, there would be about 1000 tobacco growers, 90,000 woolgrowers and all the tax-payers on the same side for once, all determined to love the government. So it should not be hard to get my idea adopted.
They really ought to make me an ambassador or something. I understand that the post in Outer Mongolia is still vacant.
- Bert Kelly on Journalism
- Move for a body of Modest Members
- Modest Members Association
- Bert Kelly's Maiden Parliamentary Speech
- Government Intervention
- 1976 Monday Conference transcript featuring Bert Kelly
- Petrol for Farmers
- Some Sacred Cows
- Experiences in Parliament
- Spending your Money
- Who needs literary licence?
- A touch of Fred's anarchy
- Supply and Demand
- Bert Kelly on Disaster Relief
- Bert Kelly Wants to Secede
- Under Labor, is working hard foolish?
- An Idiot's Guide to Interventionism
- Bert Kelly Destroys the Side Benefits Argument for Government
- Bert Kelly gets his head around big-headed bird-brained politics
- First Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Second Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Third Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Fourth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Fifth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Sixth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
- Bert Kelly on the 2011 Budget and Australia's Pathetic Journalists and Politicians
- Bert Kelly, Bastard or Simple Sod?
- Liberal Backbencher Hits Govt. Over Import Restrictions
- Bert Kelly feels a dam coming on at each election
- Bert Kelly Enters Parliament
- Why take in one another's washing?
- Bert Kelly breaks the law, disrespects government and enjoys it
- Gillard's galley-powered waterskiing
- Can price control really work?
- Should we put up with socialism?
- We're quick to get sick of socialism
- Time the protection racket ended
- Can't pull the wool over Farmer Fred
- People not Politics
- Bert Kelly admits he should have had less faith in politicians
- Labor: a girl who couldn't say no
- Why leading businessmen carry black briefcases
- Ludwig von Mises on page 3 of AFR
- Mavis wants the Modest Member to dedicate his book to her
- Time to Butcher "Aussie Beef"
- Bert Kelly reviews The War Diaries of Weary Dunlop
- Bert Kelly reviews We Were There
- Tariffs get the fork-tongue treatment
- Bert Kelly reduces government to its absurdities
- Politician sacrifices his ... honesty
- It's all a matter of principle
- Bert Kelly Destroys the Infant Industry Argument
- Bert Kelly Untangles Tariff Torment
- Bert Kelly resorts to prayer
- Eccles keeps our nose hard down on the tariff grindstone
- "Don't you believe in protecting us against imports from cheap labour countries?"
- Even if lucky, we needn't be stupid
- Great "freedom of choice" mystery
- Small government's growth problem
- Tariffs Introduced
- More About Tariffs
- Sacred cow kicker into print
- Modest Member must not give up
- Traditional Wheat Farming is Our Birthright and Heritage and Must be Protected!
- Bert Kelly brilliantly defends "theoretical academics"
- The Society of Modest Members
- John Hyde's illogical, soft, complicated, unfocussed and unsuccessful attempt to communicate why he defends markets
- Modesty ablaze
- Case for ministers staying home
- The unusual self-evident simplicity of the Modest Members Society
- Animal lib the new scourge of the bush
- The Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Krill
- Repeal economic laws, force people to buy new cars and enforce tariffs against overseas tennis players
- Thoughts on how to kill dinosaurs
- Let's try the chill winds
- Taking the Right's road
- Bert Kelly: "I did not try often or hard enough"
- Bert Kelly "lacked ... guts and wisdom"
- A look at life without tariffs
- The Gospel according to Bert
- Tiny note on Bert Kelly's column in The Bulletin in 1985
- Why costs can't be guaranteed
- Hitting out with a halo
- Paying farmers not to grow crops will save on subsidies, revenge tariffs, etc
- "The Modest Farmer joins us" | "How The Modest Farmer came to be"
- Bert Kelly Destroys the Freeloading Justifies Government Argument
- Government Intervention
vs
Government Interference - Bigger Cake = Bigger Slices
- Bert Kelly on the Political Process
- Charabanc: Part 1
- Charabanc: Part 2
- Charabanc: Part 3
- Relationships with the Liberal Party
- Tariffs = High Prices + World War
- Bert Kelly's Family History
- Bert Kelly's Pre-Parliament Life
- Why Bert Kelly was not even more publicly outspoken
- WEATHER IS USUALLY UNUSUAL
- How to stand aside when it's time to be counted
- How the Modest Member went back to being a Modest Farmer
- My pearls of wisdom were dull beyond belief
- Bert Kelly on Political Football
- Ross Gittins Wins Bert Kelly Award
- Interesting 1964 Bert Kelly speech: he says he is not a free trader and that he supports protection!
- This is the wall the Right built
- Has Santa socked it to car makers?
- Is the Budget a cargo cult?
- Will we end up subsidising one another?
- Do we want our money to fly?
- Can a bear be sure of a feed?
- How to impress your MP -
ambush him - The time for being nice to our MPs has gone ...
- Don't feel sorry for him -
hang on to his ear - Trade wars can easily end up on a battlefield
- Tariffs Create Unemployment
- Bert Kelly recommends Ayn Rand
- Bert Kelly's Satirical Prophecy: Minister for Meteorology (tick) and High Protectionist Policies to Result in War Yet Again (?)
- Bert Kelly in 1972 on Foreign Ownership of Australian Farmland and Warren Truss, Barnaby Joyce and Bill Heffernan in 2012
- Parliament a place for pragmatists
- Of Sugar Wells and Think-Tanks
- Bert Kelly: "I must take some of the blame"
- A Modest Farmer looks at the Problems of Structural Change
- Government Fails Spectacularly
- Know your proper place if you want the quiet life
- Bert Kelly on political speech writers