Other entries featuring Bert Kelly»

Bert Kelly, “Dreams up in smoke,” The Bulletin, September 11, 1984, p. 146.

I think Fred must be going through some queer change of life or something. I told how he went to Queensland recently to buy a sugar farm and how he returned with his tail between his legs, without a farm and disillusioned about the myth that Sir Joh’s government is the last bastion against socialism. Fred’s latest craze is to buy a tobacco farm. He has found out that the average tobacco farmer gets an annual subsidy from the government of about $25,000 and he wants to get his trotters into that trough.

How he blundered across this information, I do not know. It is true that I wrote about tobacco in my book Economics Made Easy, but I didn’t think that Fred would ever bother to read it; at least, that is the impression he has always given me.

I thought I would throw cold water on the idea by telling him that a lot of the tobacco was grown in Queensland and he is sad about Queensland at the moment. But he knew that there was a lot of tobacco grown near Myrtleford, in Victoria. This is where we went.

We took Eccles with us this time. Fred agreed to this because he knew that there were a lot of hidden lurks in tobacco that are hard to dig out. Usually I dislike travelling with Fred and Eccles together; they niggle at each other a lot and this makes life rather a strain. And if they are not doing this, they are combining to keep me in my place. “You are having too much to say, Bert,” one of them says. “You seem to think you are back in parliament. You keep quiet and you might learn something.”

So the three of us headed for Myrtleford: Eccles with his briefcase full of reports, Fred full of the hope of getting his sticky fingers on this $25,000 subsidy money and I with my head full of foreboding. It is a lovely area, one that you would think could grow almost anything. Still, if the government were paying you $4,000 a hectare to grow tobacco, I suppose there would be little temptation to grow something else.

When we got there, Fred went into a land agent’s office to see about buying a tobacco farm, but he soon came out against with a long face to tell us that, as with sugar, you have to have a quota before you can start. They do not insist your being of superior morality, as they do in Queensland; in Victoria all they want is your money.

It seems that the market price for a tobacco quota is about $4 for the right to supply a kilogram of leaf and, as the average production a farm is about 14,000kg, this makes the average quota worth $56,000. This is before you buy the land.

Fred felt even worse when Eccles told him that one of the reasons why the US refused to remove its damaging duties against our wool — about which we complain so often and so rightly — is because of the barriers we place against the importation of their tobacco. I know that Eccles is right about this because I have heard an official of the US embassy say so on a TV program.

I know that some people think that Eccles and I are hard men, devoid of the milk of human kindness. Eccles indeed is like this, but I have a nicer side to my nature, deeply hidden though it may be. To demonstrate this, I am launching a campaign to persuade the government to pay each tobacco farmer $2000 a hectare not to grow tobacco.

According to Eccles’ figuring, this would make the Treasurer happy because now he has to pay out in various devious ways about $4000 for each hectare of tobacco and, as there are about 6600 hectares of tobacco, it must be costing him more than $13 million a year. I know it is hard to make treasurers happy and that is why they nearly all have long faces, but surely saving half of this $13 million would make them smile.

Certainly my idea would make the growers happy. Just fancy being paid $2000 for not growing a hectare of tobacco. You could sit in the shade and scratch yourself or use the land to grow something else. So the tobacco growers would love the government — and governments love being loved.

The woolgrowers would love the government, too, if this action induced the US to remove its duties against our wool. We are always moaning about the wicked way other countries, particularly those in the EEC, place barriers in the way of our exports and we wonder why no one takes much notice of us. Here is a chance to demonstrate our sincerity.

If my scheme were adopted, there would be about 1000 tobacco growers, 90,000 woolgrowers and all the tax-payers on the same side for once, all determined to love the government. So it should not be hard to get my idea adopted.

They really ought to make me an ambassador or something. I understand that the post in Outer Mongolia is still vacant.

(in order of appearance on Economics.org.au)
  1. Bert Kelly on Journalism
  2. Move for a body of Modest Members
  3. Modest Members Association
  4. Bert Kelly's Maiden Parliamentary Speech
  5. Government Intervention
  6. 1976 Monday Conference transcript featuring Bert Kelly
  7. Petrol for Farmers
  8. Some Sacred Cows
  9. Experiences in Parliament
  10. Spending your Money
  11. Who needs literary licence?
  12. A touch of Fred's anarchy
  13. Supply and Demand
  14. Bert Kelly on Disaster Relief
  15. Bert Kelly Wants to Secede
  16. Under Labor, is working hard foolish?
  17. An Idiot's Guide to Interventionism
  18. Bert Kelly Destroys the Side Benefits Argument for Government
  19. Bert Kelly gets his head around big-headed bird-brained politics
  20. First Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  21. Second Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  22. Third Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  23. Fourth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  24. Fifth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  25. Sixth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  26. Bert Kelly on the 2011 Budget and Australia's Pathetic Journalists and Politicians
  27. Bert Kelly, Bastard or Simple Sod?
  28. Liberal Backbencher Hits Govt. Over Import Restrictions
  29. Bert Kelly feels a dam coming on at each election
  30. Bert Kelly Enters Parliament
  31. Why take in one another's washing?
  32. Bert Kelly breaks the law, disrespects government and enjoys it
  33. Gillard's galley-powered waterskiing
  34. Can price control really work?
  35. Should we put up with socialism?
  36. We're quick to get sick of socialism
  37. Time the protection racket ended
  38. Can't pull the wool over Farmer Fred
  39. People not Politics
  40. Bert Kelly admits he should have had less faith in politicians
  41. Labor: a girl who couldn't say no
  42. Why leading businessmen carry black briefcases
  43. Ludwig von Mises on page 3 of AFR
  44. Mavis wants the Modest Member to dedicate his book to her
  45. Time to Butcher "Aussie Beef"
  46. Bert Kelly reviews The War Diaries of Weary Dunlop
  47. Bert Kelly reviews We Were There
  48. Tariffs get the fork-tongue treatment
  49. Bert Kelly reduces government to its absurdities
  50. Politician sacrifices his ... honesty
  51. It's all a matter of principle
  52. Bert Kelly Destroys the Infant Industry Argument
  53. Bert Kelly Untangles Tariff Torment
  54. Bert Kelly resorts to prayer
  55. Eccles keeps our nose hard down on the tariff grindstone
  56. "Don't you believe in protecting us against imports from cheap labour countries?"
  57. Even if lucky, we needn't be stupid
  58. Great "freedom of choice" mystery
  59. Small government's growth problem
  60. Tariffs Introduced
  61. More About Tariffs
  62. Sacred cow kicker into print
  63. Modest Member must not give up
  64. Traditional Wheat Farming is Our Birthright and Heritage and Must be Protected!
  65. Bert Kelly brilliantly defends "theoretical academics"
  66. The Society of Modest Members
  67. John Hyde's illogical, soft, complicated, unfocussed and unsuccessful attempt to communicate why he defends markets
  68. Modesty ablaze
  69. Case for ministers staying home
  70. The unusual self-evident simplicity of the Modest Members Society
  71. Animal lib the new scourge of the bush
  72. The Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Krill
  73. Repeal economic laws, force people to buy new cars and enforce tariffs against overseas tennis players
  74. Thoughts on how to kill dinosaurs
  75. Let's try the chill winds
  76. Taking the Right's road
  77. Bert Kelly: "I did not try often or hard enough"
  78. Bert Kelly "lacked ... guts and wisdom"
  79. A look at life without tariffs
  80. The Gospel according to Bert
  81. Tiny note on Bert Kelly's column in The Bulletin in 1985
  82. Why costs can't be guaranteed
  83. Hitting out with a halo
  84. Paying farmers not to grow crops will save on subsidies, revenge tariffs, etc
  85. "The Modest Farmer joins us" | "How The Modest Farmer came to be"
  86. Bert Kelly Destroys the Freeloading Justifies Government Argument
  87. Government Intervention
    vs
    Government Interference
  88. Bigger Cake = Bigger Slices
  89. Bert Kelly on the Political Process
  90. Charabanc: Part 1
  91. Charabanc: Part 2
  92. Charabanc: Part 3
  93. Relationships with the Liberal Party
  94. Tariffs = High Prices + World War
  95. Bert Kelly's Family History
  96. Bert Kelly's Pre-Parliament Life
  97. Why Bert Kelly was not even more publicly outspoken
  98. WEATHER IS USUALLY UNUSUAL
  99. How to stand aside when it's time to be counted
  100. How the Modest Member went back to being a Modest Farmer
  101. My pearls of wisdom were dull beyond belief
  102. Bert Kelly on Political Football
  103. Ross Gittins Wins Bert Kelly Award
  104. Interesting 1964 Bert Kelly speech: he says he is not a free trader and that he supports protection!
  105. This is the wall the Right built
  106. Has Santa socked it to car makers?
  107. Is the Budget a cargo cult?
  108. Will we end up subsidising one another?
  109. Do we want our money to fly?
  110. Can a bear be sure of a feed?
  111. How to impress your MP -
    ambush him
  112. The time for being nice to our MPs has gone ...
  113. Don't feel sorry for him -
    hang on to his ear
  114. Trade wars can easily end up on a battlefield
  115. Tariffs Create Unemployment
  116. Bert Kelly recommends Ayn Rand
  117. Bert Kelly's Satirical Prophecy: Minister for Meteorology (tick) and High Protectionist Policies to Result in War Yet Again (?)
  118. Bert Kelly in 1972 on Foreign Ownership of Australian Farmland and Warren Truss, Barnaby Joyce and Bill Heffernan in 2012
  119. Parliament a place for pragmatists
  120. Of Sugar Wells and Think-Tanks
  121. Bert Kelly: "I must take some of the blame"
  122. A Modest Farmer looks at the Problems of Structural Change
  123. Government Fails Spectacularly
  124. Know your proper place if you want the quiet life
  125. Bert Kelly on political speech writers
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