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L.W. Lower, The Australian Women’s Weekly, August 31, 1940, p. 19.

I have become interested in this New Order racket. True, they’re getting as common as Cash Orders, but, even so, if you’re not in one you’re out of fashion. And that would never do.

Japan is dishing out a New Order in the East and Hitler is trying to stage a New Order in Europe. There is also a minor New Order going on in the Balkans, and America is mumbling about a New Order in the Pacific, while the South American Republics have a new order every three weeks.

As I see it, the preliminary movement in establishing a New Order is to smash everything in sight, ration everything, trust nobody and wind-up a brief career by shooting yourself if one of your friends doesn’t do it for you first.

As a matter of fact, we’ve got a New Order in Australia already. It has penetrated into the Lower household.

Only this morning I said at breakfast: “Could I have some more bacon?”

That started a lecture which took in drought, coal-strikes, water restrictions, refugees, starving peasants in Spain, and ration-cards in England, and people eating dogs and pet canaries in Portugal.

And once again I was told that I should be ashamed of myself.

I was also told for the umpteenth time, “From now on things are going to be different in this house.”

Confucious he say: “Anything this is different is better until you think of something better and differenter.”

Need to be cautious

A totalitarian, blitzkreig purge of somebody or other who wears the wrong-coloured short is an imperative necessity of modern life.

I met a child of eleven who lives in my street, and he told me he was suffering from war-neurosis.

“What does it feel like?” I asked.

“You wouldn’t understand,” he replied.

Temporarily bunkered, I was silent.

This child then said: “Why aren’t you in uniform?”

I said I was an air-raid warden. A lie, of course, but the boy had eyes like the Ancient Mariner’s, and I had an idea that he thought I should be interned.

One has to be careful. There is the “Strength Through Joy” gang, the military police, and those people who seem to spend most of their time seeing mysterious lights sending sinister signals to some alien anarchists.

The only way out

I see only one way out of all this clamour for a New Order. Have a New Order of your own.

The Navy has a couple of order which I heartily recommend. One is “Lay off,” and the other is “Pipe down.” And another is “Splice the main brace.”

In case you are a bit confused about the basic theory of the New Order, I’ll explain.

All you have to do is make a complete ruin of some place and then claim the wreckage and go and starve in it.

Of course, a much more sensible scheme would be a working week with morning and afternoon tea provided by the management. All profits — if any — would go to the employees.

Those employees who can’t get out of the habit of working should be first cautioned, then fined, and later branded on the forehead.

It is only fair that women should have a new hat every day, and husbands should prepare the day’s meals before leaving the house.

Seeing that some people are not happy unless they are rationing or banning something, I suggest that no citizen be allowed to purchase more than one anvil at a time.

I would also cut down racing. We could have the same number of races but with only one horse in each race. Bookmakers to pay all punters’ travelling expenses as well as provide meals when necessary.

The total abolition of all traffic rules and regulations on the principle of every man for himself. Pedestrians allowed to carry arms, but only to be used in self-defence when chased by motorists.

The will allow the pedestrians to be at least on level terms with the motorist.

All Government buildings such as Income Tax Departments and the like to be turned into swimming-pools, billiard-rooms, or housie-housie halls.

That should do for a start. I’m sure you’ll agree with the majority of these suggestions, and as a final democratic gesture I would see that anyone who felt that way inclined could go and ban himself, provided he didn’t make a nuisance of himself.