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A Modest Member of Parliament [Bert Kelly], “Fred puts his sole into new ‘Blue Poles’,” The Australian Financial Review, December 21, 1973, p. 3.

Fred has been wearing his cunning look lately so I know he has been cooking up something.

When we meet he still grizzles about the rust in his wheat and what the Government is doing to him and so on.

But every now and again he has been asking quite off-beat questions, in an off-hand way, about the Government’s interest in cultural matters.

For a while I thought he was considering breaking into print and probing to see if the Government would be likely to give him a literary grant.

But then he started to delve into the Government’s interest in art — particularly he has been sniffing around the Blue Poles painting.

He wanted me to verify whether this great work of art had really been executed by an artist with his feet and was it true that he was a little tiddly at the time? And did the Government really pay $1.3 million for it?

I told him that I understood that the Government did indeed pay this sum but I doubted whether the method of the execution of the painting was quite accurate.

He received this information with studied indifference and I forgot the matter.

But the other morning I called at Fred’s home and his wife said that he was down at the woolshed; she didn’t know what he was doing there but she had a feeling that he was up to something.

So I went quietly to the woolshed and peered in and Fred indeed was up to something.

He had nailed a great piece of tarpaulin to the floor on which he emptied several tins of paint of various colours.

And there he was, with a bottle of whisky in one hand, morosely plodding out a picture for the nation.

Whisky helps
He was a bit embarrassed when he saw me. He said that he had hoped it would be a surprise for Mr Whitlam.

“But now you are here, you might as well make yourself useful for once,” he growled.

“Take your shoes and socks off, roll your trousers up and get stuck into it.”

And get stuck into it indeed I did, or nearly so.

It is surprising how sticky paint is to walk on and how it squirms between your toes.

It is really hard to pick up your feet, and that’s where the whisky helps.

So round and round we went and it is certainly a satisfying feeling.

At least you can see where you’ve been, which is more than most politicians can say.

Fred masterminded the whole business and was most fussy about what he called “Working out the headlands.” There was no skimping anything.

“You’ve got to put your soul into it,” he urged. I replied I was putting both soles into it.

We put in a steady three hours plodding round and round and the picture was coming up nicely. But you had to keep going.

All the time the paint was getting stickier and it became even harder to pick the feet up and the whisky was running low.

It became clear that we had to disengage soon or we would be stuck there forever.

I certainly didn’t want to become an integral part of a work of art and be handed down to posterity.

And Fred said that he didn’t want me to either, because he thought I would spoil its value.

So with infinite care we worked ourselves clear. Fred fortunately had kerosene handy and eventually we got the paint off our legs.

Then we had some more whisky and sat down to admire our footwork.

The longer we watched it the more certain we were that we had created something really notable.

As the paint hardened the details came into sharper relief, the colours become deeper and so on.

Fred kept the flies off while I went home for more whisky.

By the time the sun was low in the sky the whole masterpiece was fairly glowing and Fred was doing sums in his head about its value.

He pointed out that it was bigger than Blue Poles so it would certainly be worth more.

“I’ll let it go for $2 million but not a cent less,” he said as we finished the last of the whisky.

“It’s your job to see that I get the money and proper recognition. It’s all my idea. You only did a bit of the foot work.

“You see Gough and tell him he could use it for his next year’s Christmas cards. That’ll fetch him.”

So we went home, treading on air.

But when we inspected it in the morning, Mavis sniffed and said that she thought it looked pretty ordinary.

But perhaps Gough will buy it.

I’m sure he’d be the first to admit that he’s a man of vision.

***
Appendix for Economics.org.au readers:

George Jean Nathan Mocks the Moral Arguments for Government Funding of the Arts

George Jean Nathan (1882-1958) was one of the great theatre critics. Here are some brief selections from his writings mocking the same moral arguments that are today used to justify government funding of the Arts.

1.
George Jean Nathan, Materia Critica (New York: Knopf, 1924), p. 60.

If the combined aim and object of art lies in the stirring of the emotions, and is praiseworthy, why should the similar aim and object of the vices be regarded as meretricious? If the Madonnas of Raphael, Holbein, Murillo and Da Vinci are commendable in that they stir the imagination to the contentments of faith, why are not the whiskeys of Dewar, Macdonald, Haig and Macdougal commendable for the same reason? If a Bach fogue is praised for stimulating the mind, why not a Corona Corona? If the senses are commendably excited by Balzac and Zola, why shouldn’t they be excited, and equally commendably, by means that may be described as being somewhat less literary?

2.
George Jean Nathan, The Autobiography of an Attitude (New York: Knopf, 1925), p. 138.

To speak of morals in art is to speak of a clergyman in a bawdy-house. This is perhaps why the argument for morals in art is considered by its numerous sponsors to be so credible.

3.
And George Jean Nathan’s House of Satan (New York: Knopf, 1926) begins:

It has always been the mission of the theatre to reduce, in so far as it lay within its power, the manners and morals of the community. Obviously, I do not speak of the debased, uncivilized theatre, but of the theatre that is artistically on the highest and finest level. …

When I speak of the theatre as a corrupter of morals, it is of course as a synonym for drama. And when I speak of drama, I speak at the same time of most of the other arts, for the accomplishment, if perhaps not always the intention, of all art is the lowering of human virtue, in the commonly accepted sense of the word, and the conversion of men from metaphysical and emotional Methodism to metaphysical and emotional Paganism. To believe the contrary, to believe that great art is an inspirer of virtue, is to be so vealy as to believe that Tristan makes its auditor feel like St. Francis of Assisi, that Byron and Swinburne conjure up Sunday-school memories, that the Venus of Cnidus makes one think of entering a monastery, and that Lysistrata is the most eloquent argument for continence ever written. Only the fly-blown and ignorant, however, longer suffer any delusions about the purposes of art. Such mammals hit upon a few obvious kindergarten exceptions to the general and seek to build their case upon them. Unacquainted with nine-tenths of the world’s best music, literature, painting, sculpture, poetry and drama, they imagine that all art has the same effect upon the human spirit as Chopin’s E flat major nocturne or the slow movement of his B flat minor sonata, Botticelli’s Madonna and Child, and Romeo and Juliet. Yet if art were what these imbeciles imagine, it would have died from the cosmos hundreds of years ago. It has been kept alive by man’s unregenerate sinfulness alone. Its greatest patron saints, the men who with power and gold and favor have encouraged and assisted its craftsmen, have almost without exception been the more dissolute kings and emperors, lechers and millionaire crooks, fleshpot fanciers and followers of Pan. And its greatest lovers and stoutest champions have ever been the men who most truly appreciated that under its pretense of divine origin there curled a red and forked tail.

Art ennobles? Then tell me what, precisely, is the ennobling nature of — and how, precisely, one is made to feel Corpsbruder to the angels by — Macbeth, Rembrandt’s portrait of his sister, Madame Bovary or Richard Strauss’ Salomé. The simple truth, of course, is that, aside from a purely critical gratification, Macbeth exalts the cultured and intelligent man just about as much as a modern Edinburgh bathtub, that the chief thought that enters the man’s mind when he gazes upon the Rembrandt portrait is that it would be charming to give the old boy’s sister a hug, and that Flaubert and Strauss induce in the reader and auditor much less an overwhelming desire to lead a better and nobler life than a worse and more lamentably agreeable one.

(in order of appearance on Economics.org.au)
  1. Bert Kelly on his journalism
  2. Move for a body of Modest Members
  3. Modest Members Association
  4. Bert Kelly's Maiden Parliamentary Speech
  5. Government Intervention
  6. 1976 Monday Conference transcript featuring Bert Kelly
  7. Bert Kelly, Hayek and Mencken on the virtues of farmers
  8. Sound economics calls for quiet from government
  9. Petrol for Farmers
  10. Some Sacred Cows
  11. Experiences in Parliament
  12. Spending your Money
  13. Is Taxmania a politician fetish?
  14. How Bert Kelly repays a free feed
  15. Modest column #898
  16. Chicken-hearted feathered friends strange bedfellows on a feather bed?
  17. Who needs literary licence?
  18. A touch of Fred's anarchy
  19. Helping the farmers help themselves
  20. Standing on the shoulders of the downtrodden
  21. Supply and Demand
  22. Bert Kelly responds to claims he is arrogant and uncredentialed
  23. Politics: it's a very confusing business
  24. The best featherbeds run on rails
  25. Bert Kelly on Disaster Relief
  26. Bert Kelly Wants to Secede
  27. Blinded by their tears
  28. Anti-freedom pro-tobacco industry lobby harmed Australia
  29. Under Labor, is working hard foolish?
  30. An Idiot's Guide to Interventionism
  31. Is free priceless healthcare worthless?
  32. Can government kiss it better?
  33. Bert Kelly Destroys the Side Benefits Argument for Government
  34. Bert Kelly gets his head around big-headed bird-brained politics
  35. First Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  36. Second Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  37. Third Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  38. Fourth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  39. Fifth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  40. Sixth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  41. Bert Kelly on the 2011 Budget and Australia's Pathetic Journalists and Politicians
  42. Bert Kelly, Bastard or Simple Sod?
  43. Liberal Backbencher Hits Govt. Over Import Restrictions
  44. Bert Kelly feels a dam coming on at each election
  45. Bert Kelly Enters Parliament
  46. Why take in one another's washing?
  47. Bert Kelly breaks the law, disrespects government and enjoys it
  48. Gillard's galley-powered waterskiing
  49. State Premiers are always asking for more taxing powers
  50. Can price control really work?
  51. Should we put up with socialism?
  52. We're quick to get sick of socialism
  53. Time the protection racket ended
  54. Can't pull the wool over Farmer Fred
  55. People not Politics
  56. Bert Kelly admits he should have had less faith in politicians
  57. The inspirational incentivising Dear Leader Gough Whitlam
  58. Labor: a girl who couldn't say no
  59. Why leading businessmen carry black briefcases
  60. Ludwig von Mises on page 3 of AFR
  61. Bert Kelly's empowering feminism
  62. Another shot at motor car madness
  63. Mavis wants the Modest Member to dedicate his book to her
  64. What if the whole country is swindled?
  65. Moss Cass: "Flood plains are for floods"
  66. A worm's eye view
  67. Eccles returns to haunt us
  68. How to grip a politician's ear
  69. It's hard to digest this economic cake
  70. Time to Butcher "Aussie Beef"
  71. Cold water on government-instigated irrigation schemes
  72. Hooray for Ord River Dam!
  73. Tariffs paid by exporters
  74. The problem of principles v popularity
  75. If you support State Quotas, where will your logic take you?
  76. Against guidance by government
  77. A socialist in Liberal clothing
  78. Never ask the government to help
  79. Don't listen to economists!
  80. Bert Kelly's revolutionary strategy
  81. Welfare state incentivises bludging and being thrown out of work
  82. It all sounds like bloody politics to Fred
  83. Mavis wants me to get in for my chop
  84. Whitlam's July 1973 25% tariff cut
  85. Bert Kelly on Import Quotas
  86. Good directions when government backseat driving, like reversing down wrong side of road
  87. Barriers to imports are barriers to exports
  88. "I was right" — but he's off to hospital ...
  89. Kicking the multinationals is too easy
  90. Bert Kelly reviews The War Diaries of Weary Dunlop
  91. Bert Kelly reviews We Were There
  92. Tariffs get the fork-tongue treatment
  93. Bert Kelly reduces government to its absurdities
  94. Politician sacrifices his ... honesty
  95. It's all a matter of principle
  96. Bert Kelly Destroys the Infant Industry Argument
  97. Bert Kelly Untangles Tariff Torment
  98. Bert Kelly resorts to prayer
  99. Eccles keeps our nose hard down on the tariff grindstone
  100. "Don't you believe in protecting us against imports from cheap labour countries?"
  101. Even if lucky, we needn't be stupid
  102. Great "freedom of choice" mystery
  103. Small government's growth problem
  104. I like my kind acts to get a mention in the press
  105. A Modest Member rakes the embers
  106. Tariffs Introduced
  107. More About Tariffs
  108. Sacred cow kicker into print
  109. Bert Kelly's 1984 two-article quote-collection on Aboriginal policies
  110. Modest Member must not give up
  111. Traditional Wheat Farming is Our Birthright and Heritage and Must be Protected!
  112. Tariff-cut nonsense lives on
  113. Bert Kelly brilliantly defends "theoretical academics"
  114. The high cost of protection
  115. Generosity creates problems
  116. The Society of Modest Members
  117. John Hyde's illogical, soft, complicated, unfocussed and unsuccessful attempt to communicate why he defends markets
  118. Modesty ablaze
  119. Case for ministers staying home
  120. The unusual self-evident simplicity of the Modest Members Society
  121. Animal lib the new scourge of the bush
  122. The Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Krill
  123. modest members society
  124. Repeal economic laws, force people to buy new cars and enforce tariffs against overseas tennis players
  125. Thoughts on how to kill dinosaurs
  126. Let's try the chill winds
  127. Taking the Right's road
  128. Bert Kelly: "I did not try often or hard enough"
  129. Bert Kelly "lacked ... guts and wisdom"
  130. A look at life without tariffs
  131. The Gospel according to Bert
  132. Tiny note on Bert Kelly's column in The Bulletin in 1985
  133. Why costs can't be guaranteed
  134. Hitting out with a halo
  135. Paying farmers not to grow crops will save on subsidies, revenge tariffs, etc
  136. "The Modest Farmer joins us" | "How The Modest Farmer came to be"
  137. Bert Kelly Destroys the Freeloading Justifies Government Argument
  138. Industrial Relations Club shovellers
  139. From Shann to Stone
  140. Government Intervention
    vs
    Government Interference
  141. A sojourn in the real world
  142. The tariff wind swings
  143. Bigger Cake = Bigger Slices
  144. Bert Kelly on the Political Process
  145. A charabanc called protection
  146. Taken for a ride - to nowhere
  147. Down hill, in circles, all the way
  148. Economic facts and figures are statistics who should speak out
  149. Any cons arguing small business bad but big government good?
  150. Relationships with the Liberal Party
  151. Tariffs = High Prices + World War
  152. Bert Kelly's Family History
  153. Bert Kelly's Pre-Parliament Life
  154. What the MP could say to the Bishop
  155. Why Bert Kelly was not even more publicly outspoken
  156. WEATHER IS USUALLY UNUSUAL
  157. How to stand aside when it's time to be counted
  158. How the Modest Member went back to being a Modest Farmer
  159. My pearls of wisdom were dull beyond belief
  160. Bert Kelly on Political Football
  161. Undigested morsels in Fraser spew
  162. Bert Kelly on LSD
  163. Bert Kelly reflects on the Australian car industry in 1992
  164. Bert Kelly wants reprinted Shann's Economic History of Australia
  165. If tariffs are opposed here then why not there?
  166. The emperor has no textiles, clothing and footwear sense
  167. Ross Gittins Wins Bert Kelly Award
  168. Interesting 1964 Bert Kelly speech: he says he is not a free trader and that he supports protection!
  169. This is the wall the Right built
  170. Tariff Protection in Australia (1970)
  171. Has Santa socked it to car makers?
  172. Is the Budget a cargo cult?
  173. Will we end up subsidising one another?
  174. Keeping the bucket of worms alive
  175. Can we get off the stomach-churning head-spinning tariff merry-go-round?
  176. Do we want our money to fly?
  177. Can a bear be sure of a feed?
  178. How to impress your MP -
    ambush him
  179. The time for being nice to our MPs has gone ...
  180. Don't feel sorry for him -
    hang on to his ear
  181. Trade wars can easily end up on a battlefield
  182. Tariffs Create Unemployment
  183. Bert Kelly recommends Ayn Rand
  184. Bert Kelly on Alf Rattigan's Industry Assistance: The Inside Story
  185. Bert Kelly's Satirical Prophecy: Minister for Meteorology (tick) and High Protectionist Policies to Result in War Yet Again (?)
  186. Bert Kelly in 1972 on Foreign Ownership of Australian Farmland and Warren Truss, Barnaby Joyce and Bill Heffernan in 2012
  187. Bert Kelly baits Welfare State Tiger
  188. Why does Govt wear two faces?
  189. Parliament a place for pragmatists
  190. Of Sugar Wells and Think-Tanks
  191. Bert Kelly: "I must take some of the blame"
  192. Bert Kelly on dumping duties
  193. The Govt's helping hand often hurts
  194. Unbuckling the hobbles on the motor industry
  195. A Modest Farmer looks at the Problems of Structural Change
  196. Government Fails Spectacularly
  197. Know your proper place if you want the quiet life
  198. Bert Kelly on political speech writers
  199. Having your cake and eating it
  200. Perish the thawed!
  201. Hooray for Northern Development!
  202. Politicians can resist everything except pressure
  203. The silly image of our MPs
  204. Bert Kelly Question Time highlights
  205. Modest Farmer sees his ideas take hold
  206. Should facts stand in the way of a good story?
  207. Fondling one another's glass haloes
  208. What is the sense in making the effort to look after yourself?
  209. Fred's Feeling: Counterpatriotic country contrarian
  210. Handouts for big boys only
  211. Mavis trying to buy a hand loom
  212. Bad news for bearers of bad news
  213. Is it time to get aboard the tariff band-waggon?
  214. Why farmers resent tariff protection for motor makers
  215. A sordid use of scare tactics
  216. Goods vs services
  217. Tariffs are hilariously counterproductive
  218. The dilemmas of Aboriginal Affairs
  219. Bert Kelly on decentralisation
  220. Inflation breeds moral decay
  221. Who envies equality?
  222. Growth – malignant or benign?
  223. Government wiser than Magna Carta
  224. Bert Kelly on looking to politicians for moral leadership
  225. Max Newton: Maverick in Exile
  226. Whitlam & co on the Dismissal
  227. 25% Tariff Cut
  228. Bert Kelly on pensions
  229. The backseat drivers of the Pilbara
  230. Mr Clunies-Ross of the Cocos Islands should rule Australia
  231. They get the wind up when it changes
  232. Why the Big Green Lie survives
  233. Ross McLean in 1982: "Malcolm! Why don't we try good government? It might be popular."
  234. Bert Kelly on the importance of exchange rate movements
  235. Bert Kelly shows how to attack
  236. Bert Kelly vs Bert Kelly vs Bert Kelly
  237. Industrial relations dinosaur, Bruce, chews his cud
  238. Hooray for "firmly entrenched"!
  239. Respect your dinosaurs
  240. What if something is "deeply ingrained" yet harmful?
  241. A case for ministerial inertia
  242. Why politicians don't like the truth
  243. Our great open spaces
  244. Ominous dark clouds are gathering
  245. Better to be popular than right
  246. Crying in the wilderness
  247. Ivory tower needs thumping
  248. Bert Kelly asks, "How can you believe in free enterprise and government intervention at the same time?"
  249. Politicians get undeserved praise, why not undeserved blame too?
  250. Feet in a bucket of champagne
  251. Rural Problems
  252. Health cover needs a $30 excess clause
  253. Unholy state of taxation
  254. Boring economics worth a smile
  255. The Libido for the Miserable
  256. Agricultural Development and Tariffs
  257. Fred's too poor to have principles
  258. Eccles Law of the constant wage share
  259. "He whom the gods would destroy ..."
  260. Low tariff torch burnt Eccles' fingers
  261. A cow of a car — with dual horns
  262. Tariffs: when to wean infant BHP?
  263. Keep any government as far as possible from farming
  264. The Playford charade is out of date
  265. Bert Kelly: the odd man out who's now in
  266. Dries must resist giving up struggle as going gets tough
  267. How a well meaning Government can be so stupid
  268. The icing on the economic cake
  269. Sir Roderick Carnegie's foreword to Bert Kelly's Economics Made Easy
  270. The Vale of Popularity and the Protection Procession
  271. Politics 101: Pay Lip Service to Capitalism and Shoot the Messenger
  272. Bert Kelly makes politicians eat their own words on tariffs, then says, "We cannot be blamed for treating the statements of our statesmen with cynical contempt"
  273. Bert Kelly on Free Enterprise
  274. Cartoons of protected industry, the welfare teat and the nanny state
  275. Bert Kelly on the theory of constant shares and the Fabian Society
  276. Bert Kelly vs Doug Anthony
  277. You're lucky if you escape being helped by government
  278. Bert Kelly on Small Farmers
  279. Bert Kelly on Apathy
  280. Bert Kelly in 1967 on "problems of government and things like that"
  281. The last "Dave's Diary"
  282. Bert Kelly vs The Australian on tariffs in 1977
  283. Bounties or Tariffs, Someone Pays
  284. Geriatric companies without a minder
  285. A free marketeer wary of free trade
  286. Nixon's puzzling profession of faith
  287. "Ford ... seems to spend more time bending its knees than its back"
  288. Clyde Cameron's weak ways with wise words
  289. Why flaunt what others flout?
  290. Bert Kelly yearns for Tim Flannery's powers of prediction
  291. Looking after yourself is silly
  292. Bert Kelly masterpiece on drought, fire, flood and other natural disaster relief schemes
  293. Government can take credit for our car industry mess
  294. Car makers want the 4wd driven deeper into tariff bog
  295. Why our MP is no longer prone to a good sob story
  296. Auto industry is in a straitjacket
  297. Bert Kelly on market predictions
  298. Why should dryland farmers subsidise irrigation farmers?
  299. How much should government decrease incentive for independence from government?
  300. Clarkson crowned Deputy Government Whip
  301. Bert Kelly to blame for soaring government healthcare costs
  302. 1959 return of Dave's Diary
  303. Bert Kelly in 1966 on developing northern Australia
  304. Successful government intervention can [sic] occur
  305. Vernon Report upholds Clarkson
  306. Quiet Man Makes An Impact
  307. Should it be compulsory to buy footwear and clothing?
  308. To save Australian clothing industry women must all wear same uniform
  309. Don't confuse plucking heart strings with plucking harp strings
  310. Speech only for public
  311. Catchy Tariff Circus Extravaganza
  312. Bert Kelly in 1985 on cars yet again
  313. Hurrah for the Gang of Five
  314. Thoughts on a verse about Balfour
  315. Bert Kelly pep talk to politicians
  316. Government intervention = Agony postponed but death brought nearer
  317. Recipe for disaster: Freeze!
  318. Recipe for government intervention: Gather winners and scatter losers
  319. Recipe for industry destruction: Blanket market signals
  320. Mavis writes!
  321. Bert Kelly's empiricism is not kneejerk reaction kind
  322. The $2,000 song of the shirt worker
  323. Subsiding only small farmers means subsiding the big banks
  324. Difficult to be fast on your feet when you've got your ear to the ground
  325. It would surprise people to see how sensible MPs behave if they think they are not being watched
  326. Bert Kelly on "this land of limitless resources" and "great open spaces"
  327. Growing bananas at the South Pole
  328. Car components tariff protection under fire
  329. Why carry a $300m car subsidy?
  330. Tariff feather beds for the foreign giants
  331. Bert Kelly says end compulsory voting to stop donkey vote
  332. Perhaps being smart and insured isn't all luck
  333. You gets your tariff, you pays a price
  334. More funds to train Olympians?
  335. Fire in their guts and wind in ours
  336. Should free universal healthcare include pets?
  337. Sound advice from a modest farmer
  338. A tottering monument to intervention
  339. Cunning meets wisdom
  340. Competition, Aussie-style: Who's the bigger parasite?
  341. Australians are proud patriotic parasites, says Bert Kelly
  342. Taxpayer-funded sport is cheating
  343. Being loved by all is not always a good thing
  344. Welfare State Destroys Society
  345. 1980 Bert Kelly feather bed series
  346. The White Mice Marketing Board
  347. Government intervention and advice can be harmful, even when right, even for those it tries to help
  348. One small step on the compulsory voting landmine
  349. The free & compulsory education sacred cows have no clothes
  350. Holding a loaded wallet to an economist's head
  351. Political No Man's Land
  352. Only blind greed demands both equality and prosperity
  353. A cow that sucks itself — that's us!
  354. Nip the bud of incentive; mock community spirit into submission
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