Other entries featuring Bert Kelly»

Bert Kelly, September 25, 1970. Economics Made Easy (Adelaide: Brolga Books, 1982), pp. 21-23, as “Exporting Birds.”

Fred thinks I have gone a bit soft in the head. He suspects that I got this from riding around in black cars in hot weather. He has had a sneaking suspicion about this for some time, but now he has discovered that I am, in part, responsible for preventing the export of budgerigars and other parrots, he thinks all doubt has been removed.

He has found that these parrots are eagerly sought after overseas. He has been told that prices up to $3,000 a pair are obtainable for our birds in other countries. He also knows that many of these birds exist in pest proportions in Australia and that he himself has had a great deal of trouble keeping many of these birds from making a nuisance of themselves on his farm. So the poor simple soul can’t quite see why we are not exporting them and making good money out of it.

When I mentioned this to Mavis she burst into tears. “You are in enough trouble now, dear,” she sobbed, “by expressing scepticism about this sentimental campaign for kangaroos. They may be in pest proportions and ruining your electors’ sheep feed, but the good people of Melbourne love kangaroos and the sweet way they hold their front paws. You have done enough damage to your political career by going against the kangaroo lobby. For goodness sake don’t get yourself involved in this bird business.”

Then she went on to paint a poignant picture of pretty innocent birds cruelly smuggled through Customs in suitcases, the birds often drugged so they would not make a sound and so give themselves away. She embellished this sordid scene by giving the smuggler a foreign accent and a beard. By the time she had finished, I could see myself losing votes in a steady stream so I hurried back to Fred and upbraided him for getting me in such hot water.

Fred however, was quite unrepentant. He pointed out that the only reason these birds were smuggled out in this sordid fashion is that their export is illegal. If it were legal and the trade was under the surveillance of the Customs Department or some other authority, then this kind of cruelty could be prevented.

He went on to draw quite a different picture of two pretty love birds on a padded perch in a gilded cage, being given V.I.P. treatment through Customs, while merino rams enviously watched them. On the aircraft they would be fussed over by anxious hostesses with whom they (if well-trained) could chat happily. They could fly as they have never flown before — and a lot easier. They would probably get champagne with their bird seed for breakfast. And throughout the journey they would be thinking of the luscious life that awaited them, with the knowledge that their only duty would be to procreate their kind in luxurious surroundings, with every anxious encouragement — opportunities Fred has never enjoyed!

They would compare this prospect most favourably with the life they had left behind them, being buffeted by every breeze that blew as they flew anxiously around Fred’s farm, trying to eat his crops, while he stalked them angrily with a shotgun.

When Fred painted this picture I began to see why he thought I had gone soft in the head, as well as in the heart. No one minds chooks having their heads cut off and being exported in that form. No one minds lambs having their throats cut and being exported in that form, and bringing in almost no money at all. But the picture of birds being exported in luxurious comfort at profit to themselves and their owners, brings tears to the eyes of the sentimental citizens of Melbourne. It’s a funny business.

I know that Fred would be altogether against these birds being cruelly treated. But this doesn’t have to happen. In fact, we could make sure it didn’t happen. That being so, for the life of him, Fred can’t see why we can’t take advantage of anyone silly enough to pay $3,000 for a pair of birds which, were they at home, would probably be shot by Fred or eaten by sparrow hawks.

Tomorrow I’m going to the doctor to have my head examined.

(in order of appearance on Economics.org.au)
  1. Bert Kelly on Journalism
  2. Move for a body of Modest Members
  3. Modest Members Association
  4. Bert Kelly's Maiden Parliamentary Speech
  5. Government Intervention
  6. 1976 Monday Conference transcript featuring Bert Kelly
  7. Petrol for Farmers
  8. Some Sacred Cows
  9. Experiences in Parliament
  10. Spending your Money
  11. Who needs literary licence?
  12. A touch of Fred's anarchy
  13. Supply and Demand
  14. Bert Kelly on Disaster Relief
  15. Bert Kelly Wants to Secede
  16. Under Labor, is working hard foolish?
  17. An Idiot's Guide to Interventionism
  18. Bert Kelly Destroys the Side Benefits Argument for Government
  19. Bert Kelly gets his head around big-headed bird-brained politics
  20. First Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  21. Second Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  22. Third Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  23. Fourth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  24. Fifth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  25. Sixth Modest Member (Bert Kelly) AFR Column
  26. Bert Kelly on the 2011 Budget and Australia's Pathetic Journalists and Politicians
  27. Bert Kelly, Bastard or Simple Sod?
  28. Liberal Backbencher Hits Govt. Over Import Restrictions
  29. Bert Kelly feels a dam coming on at each election
  30. Bert Kelly Enters Parliament
  31. Why take in one another's washing?
  32. Bert Kelly breaks the law, disrespects government and enjoys it
  33. Gillard's galley-powered waterskiing
  34. Can price control really work?
  35. Should we put up with socialism?
  36. We're quick to get sick of socialism
  37. Time the protection racket ended
  38. Can't pull the wool over Farmer Fred
  39. People not Politics
  40. Bert Kelly admits he should have had less faith in politicians
  41. Labor: a girl who couldn't say no
  42. Why leading businessmen carry black briefcases
  43. Ludwig von Mises on page 3 of AFR
  44. Mavis wants the Modest Member to dedicate his book to her
  45. Time to Butcher "Aussie Beef"
  46. Bert Kelly reviews The War Diaries of Weary Dunlop
  47. Bert Kelly reviews We Were There
  48. Tariffs get the fork-tongue treatment
  49. Bert Kelly reduces government to its absurdities
  50. Politician sacrifices his ... honesty
  51. It's all a matter of principle
  52. Bert Kelly Destroys the Infant Industry Argument
  53. Bert Kelly Untangles Tariff Torment
  54. Bert Kelly resorts to prayer
  55. Eccles keeps our nose hard down on the tariff grindstone
  56. "Don't you believe in protecting us against imports from cheap labour countries?"
  57. Even if lucky, we needn't be stupid
  58. Great "freedom of choice" mystery
  59. Small government's growth problem
  60. Tariffs Introduced
  61. More About Tariffs
  62. Sacred cow kicker into print
  63. Modest Member must not give up
  64. Traditional Wheat Farming is Our Birthright and Heritage and Must be Protected!
  65. Bert Kelly brilliantly defends "theoretical academics"
  66. The Society of Modest Members
  67. John Hyde's illogical, soft, complicated, unfocussed and unsuccessful attempt to communicate why he defends markets
  68. Modesty ablaze
  69. Case for ministers staying home
  70. The unusual self-evident simplicity of the Modest Members Society
  71. Animal lib the new scourge of the bush
  72. The Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Krill
  73. Repeal economic laws, force people to buy new cars and enforce tariffs against overseas tennis players
  74. Thoughts on how to kill dinosaurs
  75. Let's try the chill winds
  76. Taking the Right's road
  77. Bert Kelly: "I did not try often or hard enough"
  78. Bert Kelly "lacked ... guts and wisdom"
  79. A look at life without tariffs
  80. The Gospel according to Bert
  81. Tiny note on Bert Kelly's column in The Bulletin in 1985
  82. Why costs can't be guaranteed
  83. Hitting out with a halo
  84. Paying farmers not to grow crops will save on subsidies, revenge tariffs, etc
  85. "The Modest Farmer joins us" | "How The Modest Farmer came to be"
  86. Bert Kelly Destroys the Freeloading Justifies Government Argument
  87. Government Intervention
    vs
    Government Interference
  88. Bigger Cake = Bigger Slices
  89. Bert Kelly on the Political Process
  90. Charabanc: Part 1
  91. Charabanc: Part 2
  92. Charabanc: Part 3
  93. Relationships with the Liberal Party
  94. Tariffs = High Prices + World War
  95. Bert Kelly's Family History
  96. Bert Kelly's Pre-Parliament Life
  97. Why Bert Kelly was not even more publicly outspoken
  98. WEATHER IS USUALLY UNUSUAL
  99. How to stand aside when it's time to be counted
  100. How the Modest Member went back to being a Modest Farmer
  101. My pearls of wisdom were dull beyond belief
  102. Bert Kelly on Political Football
  103. Ross Gittins Wins Bert Kelly Award
  104. Interesting 1964 Bert Kelly speech: he says he is not a free trader and that he supports protection!
  105. This is the wall the Right built
  106. Has Santa socked it to car makers?
  107. Is the Budget a cargo cult?
  108. Will we end up subsidising one another?
  109. Do we want our money to fly?
  110. Can a bear be sure of a feed?
  111. How to impress your MP -
    ambush him
  112. The time for being nice to our MPs has gone ...
  113. Don't feel sorry for him -
    hang on to his ear
  114. Trade wars can easily end up on a battlefield
  115. Tariffs Create Unemployment
  116. Bert Kelly recommends Ayn Rand
  117. Bert Kelly's Satirical Prophecy: Minister for Meteorology (tick) and High Protectionist Policies to Result in War Yet Again (?)
  118. Bert Kelly in 1972 on Foreign Ownership of Australian Farmland and Warren Truss, Barnaby Joyce and Bill Heffernan in 2012
  119. Parliament a place for pragmatists
  120. Of Sugar Wells and Think-Tanks
  121. Bert Kelly: "I must take some of the blame"
  122. A Modest Farmer looks at the Problems of Structural Change
  123. Government Fails Spectacularly
  124. Know your proper place if you want the quiet life
  125. Bert Kelly on political speech writers
Powered by Hackadelic Sliding Notes 1.6.5