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Lennie Lower, Here’s Lower (Sydney: Hale & Ironmonger, 1983), pp. 90-91, as “Let’s Become Purer”.

PEOPLE who previously objected to it are now viewing it tolerantly. In Michigan, they aim to ban anything that tends to make vice more attractive and virtue a back number. Films must have no bedroom scenes, no bathroom scenes, no scanty clothing scenes, no demonstrations of passionate love, and no scenes of blood-shed or violence.

We look forward to the times when there will be no bathrooms, or if there are, when they are hermetically sealed and are referred to, when it is impossible to refrain from mentioning them, as the “B.”

Soap, in these happy times, on account of its close association with the naked flesh, will be referred to as “S,” and will be sold in packets labelled “Dog Biscuits.” When retiring to the “B.R.” (bedroom), the pure-minded man will not clothe himself scantily, but rather don an over-coat, and, having locked the door, stand up in the wardrobe and go to sleep.

Demonstrations of passionate love will be confined to hand-shaking, and then only under proper supervision.

Violence and bloodshed will not be permitted except in surgeries and dental parlors.

As for women — women will not be permitted at all.

Or perhaps they might be kept in compounds, wearing long chaff-bag coverings and stove-pipe leggings.

Anything calculated to arouse the baser passions, such as a knife and fork, will be used only of people of repute. Square plates, of course. We can never look on a round plate without blushing at its curves.

If any reader can think of any other improvements, we will be glad to put them into effect, or ban them, or burn and prohibit and disinfect them.

We get a sensual pleasure out of banning things, and pure minds are full of things to ban.